Playing the Field

Hey Michelle!

Sorry, had to shout out my life twin.  Apparently, according to my mother, her co-worker and I lead similar lives.  If that be true, girl, I am so sorry!  We go through the most!  LOL. Jk.  I really love who I am and all I am experiencing.  I feel like I can handle all that's going on...a lesser woman would have fainted long ago. Hell, me a year ago would have killed myself.  Not really, but at least jumped on a table...I told you all before, I love life too much to leave the Earth prematurely, but am dramatic enough to declare I will end it by jumping off a curb.  If I say table, that's a pretty bad situation!

Anywho...

I haven't be writing lately because my job search is getting more aggressive during my lunch breaks.  And since the internet does not make the Top 20 List of things most important in my budget I don’t write when I am not at work!  One day, one day....Until then, you get to me when I get time. J

This job search has proved quite interesting. I still have a job, so I am not stressing but rather, send a resume here, check a posting every now and then there...so relaxing....More recently, I have run into a few postings that I am quite interested in. I applied and went on interviews...two points for me, yes! Turned out, I couldn't get out of the first interview fast enough--it was just not the opportunity for me.

From there, I didn't stress about finding another opportunity because 1. I still have a job to call my own for the next couple of months and 2. As I was declining a third interview with that place, I was replying to an email about setting up an interview for another place...talk about playing the field!

It was in that moment that I realized I can be choosy and wait for the right opportunity.  I don't have to say yes to the first opportunity that comes up because they think I am a good fit for their company.  I have to think with a clear head and think about whether or not I want to link with one organization or another. It turns out the second opportunity is a much better fit for me in terms on the work, hours, growth plan, workplace atmosphere—all that.  Granted, I have not secured the job yet, but if I was too into the first job, I wouldn't have even noticed the second.

Funny how I find myself in that position in my life often...well, not as often as before---I've grown some--but it happens...

I enjoy being pursued. So sadly, I entertain individuals I shouldn't because they are showing me all kinds of attention. This in turn causes me to hyper focus on this 'relationship' that seems oh, so bomb when in reality it's lacking major components to keep me satisfied and happy.  That's what happens when you jump at what jumps at you.

I am becoming more refined, though....waiting for the right opportunity to come to me before just taking whatever.  Granted, my previous posts may imply I am just talking out the side of my neck because I deal with some jokers, but I can look through all of my posts and not find a single spot when I have said I am trying to really be with any of them.  They have their own space--I know what to do with them! LOL.

Back to the point:  I think it's important to have standards and be selective about who and what you decide to link up with. I don't care if misery loves company.  I checked my calendar and I'm not free for that mess!  I have decided I want to be happy in all areas of my life and if that means seeking out the best job opportunities or waiting for MY Adam to find his rib in me, I will do that so I don't have to settle.  I refuse to look back at my life and say of all I accomplished I could have done so much more if I hadn't stopped one step short of the best experience ever.

That's all I really wanted to say today.  Take some time to figure out what you really want and make decisions to get you closer to those goals and dreams.  You'll love yourself so much more for doing so. Of this, I am certain...

Room(dot)

Leaving Purgatory

I am beginning to realize that I need to transition some people from where they are now to where they need to be.  While things we used to do were fun when we used to do them, every situation can't continuously play itself out the same way forever without being just that...played out.

I say transition because I don't necessarily want to phase a select few out altogether, but just change their current position in my life to be less....complicated? involved?  messy?  I don't know, just not what it is now.

Follow Through Fail.1 (see yesterday's post) followed through yesterday (amazing what happens when you call out to the universe for what you want).  We hung out, had dinner, chilled for a hot minute and then talked for hours about relationships, expectations from the opposite sex, five-year plans, families and some more stuff.  While I will take a compliment and got a new one yesterday (goooooo me!), I liked our conversation so much more than the original intent for us to get together.

Periodically, my friends and I entertain conversations about whether or not a hetero male and female can just be friends. I think it's possible provided you grew up with the person and have always considered them your sibling or they dated one of your friends, so you can't see them 'like that', but transitioning from someone you messed with to just a friend isn't as easy as it sounds. 

This is why the 'it's complicated' button was created on Facebook!  It's like 'I want you close enough when I want you, but when I don't, please go away....wait, wait, wait; not that far!! I still need to be able to see you and have you when I want, if I change my mind.  Oh, and don't date anyone else while I am figuring out what to do with you because even though I don't want you this second, I will in the next minute...'  Yeah, that's some complicated Sugar Honey Ice Tea and the story of my life because though I hate to say it, I am jealous sometimes. I like to have my cake and eat it too, really.

My first and I transitioned to just friends...he's even the Godfather of my only begotten.  I think it was easy for us because we were but sprouts when we first knew each other biblically and as we grew, realized we didn't want each other like that anymore.  He and I currently enjoy the greatest relationship--true blue homies who talk to each other about the people we date is great detail...like Great Lakes detail!  I ran into a girl he messed with for a while one time and couldn't look her in the eye because of all I know about her!!  LOL. He and I fit better as friends.  No jealousy.  No resentment or regret for not pursuing each other.  We had our ran. The race finished and now we are chillin' in our sweats, drinking Gatorade watching the other people run in circles...

I can't do that with everyone, but I want to!  It would be so great!  Granted, I am very aware I need to step out of my feelings to achieve that goal, but so do the people I deal with!  My son's father and I are definitely not there.  He had a girlfriend for two years after I left and I couldn't stomach hearing about her.  Granted, I don't (peep the present tense) like her for 1,435,869 reasons, so that may play a role in why he and I can't transition to being happy for the other.  Oh!  And the fact that he sucks at being a 'here-parent', but whatever.  Why did I bring that up? I'm off the point right now....

Anyway. What I was saying initially is that there are some people in an odd space right now that I need to commit to one place or the other.  Ol' boy from yesterday is lingering between hither and yon (please read Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss...not just for kids, I promise you.)  Like I mentioned before, we chilled yesterday, but the conversation that followed really showed me that we should be friends...friends who can recall and laugh about awesome encounters, but friends only.  He's still caught up on this girl he had plans to marry and I am just selfish...I want too much from people deal with.  It's like I want the perks of a relationship, but don't label it that...I need to be free to fly like a peacock (see 'The Other Guys') when I want.  I can push a 'complicated' button for my own self if it really existed!

So, where I am now is looking forward to seeing this guy again to see if it's possible for us to break out of what we normally do to just be friends.  I am quite the weak person when in the presence of certain individuals, but I need to try.  Most guys I used to deal with faded to black like Jay-Z, so we haven't been able to test the waters of friends.  We were just hot and heavy, then nothing in the next moment.  The few who are still around are lingering between two points like a segment.  We're mad the other made choices that weren't in 'our' best interests to survive or walked away from the other without so much as an explanation, so things are open or closed, but ugly.  I'm still waiting to catch one in the streets to see how things will go!  That sounds like I want to fight him, I really don't.  I just want to see how our conversation, if we can be cordial at all, with go.

Yesterday, though, really showed me there is at least one who is showing shows of being able to handle a new assignment. I hope we make it.  I was pretty pulled together listening to him talk about this girl he wants to be with and some girl he was with recently.  I even cracked a couple jokes about the whole situation...I think that's a tale-tell (<---is that right?) sign to me that we can handle just being friends.  It may be rough at first, but there is no resolve in continuously dealing with someone because they are 'there'.  It's been my experience that that's how unnecessary feelings and attachments develop.  Now, you're mad when you see each other out because 'you thought you were more than just cut buddies' and they are just parading around another person. Yeah, you thought you were more but they didn't get the memo!  That's never fun.   

I can't be broke down about someone who is not willing to be broke down about me at some point. So, how do I fix that?  I work hard to convert lingering people into friends in which the only attached emotion is gratitude that we are adult enough to arrive at our destination safely--STRICTLY PLATONIC FRIENDS (with a past, of course, but not looking to bust that open again unless in light conversation and used as an example only!)

I know it's possible, I just have to commit to the idea and not look back because I am not going there…


Room(dot)

I Smell Smoke Nearing the Bridge

You know, tennis is my favorite sport to play.  I know the terminology to call the match correctly.  I have quick feet to cover the court.  I am all for colorful skirts and cute tops.  I rally well with an opponent.  I have a good serve.  The sport just works for me!  I would be a lot better though, if I followed through on my forehand and backhand shots....yes, FOLLOW THROUGH is critical to winning points...until you are at the net and volley--no follow through needed.  But you can't volley an entire match, some shots go deeper than that.

Point of today:  effing follow through! Goodness gracious!  I am over it.  These cats out here wanna use all nine lives at once messin' with me!!!  I promise you I am not angry if my words sound that way, but I am sincerely not a fan of people who do not follow through.  (See 'Run Through the Tape for extra support of this claim). 

So, I went out on Saturday and cannot recall most of my evening.  I do know that me and one of my friends were supposed to get up (hang out, spend time together, chill -- don't want to lose you with my vocabulary) and we didn't because I was too twisted (intoxicated) to leave were I was.  Cool!  No problem. 

I saw him the next day and apologized.  We laughed about it and I told him the offer still stood, I wanted to get up. We didn't, but HE hit me the next day asking what time I got off work and was tryna chill.  Well, alright (*Lutha voice--you know that song about the party)!  We made tentative plans---you meet me at my house since you work near it, stay there until I get back from my meeting, then we can have dinner and kick it.......................WHY TWO DAYS LATER HAVE I NOT HEARD FROM HIM when I told him I would hit him (reach out to his cellular device) when I got home.  Whacktastic!  This is a great example of a missed point do to your lack of follow through! Coulda' shot me a message saying something came up, but no, that's too responsible!

Let me give you a second example....I have another friend (told y'all yesterday I'm in season like Summer Fruit) that I've made mention to before.  He's the one that is my friend, but not really because don't really hang often and calls me a square because I'm not raspy (See A to Z).  Well, he wanted to hang out too and when we were Facebookin' yesterday, we kind of made plans for him to come chill at the crib.  Granted, if Follow Through Fail #1 hadn't done what his name implies, I wouldn't be entertaining the second guy, but hey! FTF Version 1 missed his time slot, so whatever!

Anyway.  Second guy's acting like he's down, so I told him I would hit him after my meeting (yes, I attend a lot of meetings) and when I got home, I text if I should be expecting him, he texts back: 'Not sure yet'....If my mother didn't read this, I would said 'The F***?!" (because I say that more often than I should), but since she may catch this one, I will say: my response to his text was snuggling up to my son in his bed (I was reading to him, but was going to get it to clean if this joker said he was coming over) and going to sleep.

When I woke up at midnight (because I do that sometimes), I checked my phone---no new messages--got out of my child's bed and crawled into mine.  This morning, there were no new messages (from him... because I had one from someone else! Told y'all...).  What a jerk!  Again, lack of follow through!

So, where does that leave me?  Oh, I'm good!  Why?  Because when they feel like it, they will hit me up and I will blog about it in the days to follow our exchanges, if I decide to still allow them the pleasure of my company.  I am just peeved because I don't think I am asking too much at the request of a quick text quick text to say 'say, plans changed lets cancel' <---yes, it's all in lowercase and lacking punctuation because this is real life! This is how these people text! LOL.

Don't get it twisted, though I will engage in activities occasionally that to the observer may look like I am living below my purpose, I still appreciate the respect that goes along with conversation...I am not just any girl and they know that...they are in special positions.  They know I am a different breed.  But what's about to happen is they aren't going to have the opportunity to hang out with me outside of social functions because won't you won't do is abuse the privilege of the time I give you.  Act like you know, homie!

Okay, enough of that.  Just follow through...with all you intend to do and if for some reason you can't, let those you've committed to know, so they can make alternative arrangements. The last thing you want to do is burn bridges and though my friends have not burned their bridges yet, but are pretty damn close....

I don't do lack of follow through....

Room(dot)

Pausing the Pursuit

Been gone for a minute, now I'm back at the jump-off....

Hope everyone has been doing well...I'm good like T-Payne in the background of Kanye West's 'Good Life' video! I have been doing the most and enjoying so much of it (can't say all, but a whole heck of a lot!)

It truly is amazing what can happen when you decide you pause your pursuit of happiness to actually BE HAPPY!

I typically go out of season this time of year (ain't nobody tryna be hugged up with a thick girl, that's too much body heat with the sun rays beamin'), but since we're having a cooler weather pattern lately, I am still in the game like Derek Fisher!  Granted, that's probably not a good parallel because he's old and awkward (look at his eyes during interviews), so he needs to retire, but you feel me, doe.  <--- had to say 'doe', my new friend says it and cracks me up every time.

Anyway!  Let me get to what I really want to say: I blogged on Mother's Day about 'this being the life'---family that adores me, child that is so lost without me, good friends and getting gifts...I am back there again...I am having the best time experiencing life again.

In the past month, I think I have been out 'after hours' more often than I was all of last year, I swear.  I am making new guy friends every time I leave the house...okay, serious exageration, but over four weekends, I have give my number out three times and chatted it up at the bar with a sexy little number I should have bagged.  (That is going to haunt me until I recall enough information about him from our conversation to Facebook stalk him).

I'm walking in this newness that makes me smile. I know my body hasn't changed.  My hair is still a hot mess---granted it's brushed and in place, but not cute. My skirts aren't any shorter or tighter (see first point for explanation), so it's not my clothes....I am just different- I feel it...more confident, I guess. My Line Sister told me my positive energy is radiating from me and attracts people to me.  Maybe that's what it is.

It's crazy because yesterday, I almost had a mini-breakdown.  I think I shared some of this a fell days ago, but things were kind of coming to a head yesterday.  I feel I am losing my religion in the midst of my newfound awesomeness.  I don't want to, but I really just feel I have to re-evaluate what about my religion I want. I know I want God and don't question my love for Him and His for me, but I just don't understand certain restrictions and limitations taught to me growing up.  Since I have started to reshape my mind, my understanding of how to access God has started to change and I think it's greatly connected to how much fun I am having. I have never been an all of nothing person---I leave room for co-mingling in an attempt to satify my interests, I guess.

I don't know know what else to say about all that, but I do know that I am smiling often and things that used to bother me don't.  Not because I'm texting 'friends' all day and drinking on the weekends, but because my state of mind has shifted to what's right instead of what's wrong. 

I encourage you all to try it!  Just slow do and enjoy the goodness that is happening to you.  I guarantee
what's bad won't take over, but your sunshining mind will radiate and bring more goodness to you.

It's pretty cool. :-)

Room(dot)

A to Z

I consider it a serious offense when people don't follow simple directions.  Granted, I am notorious for not following directions when it comes to preparing food, but that is not the focus of the moment.  I just don't understand why people don't think before doing things that affect more people than they care to realize.

I come to work today and have an email requestion we all send our birthday and contact info to a specific person so after our job is over, we can all keep in touch, if we want.  The person who sent the mass email said she was going to compile all information and send out a master list later.  Why I had six emails to follow hers with birthdays and contact info, I don't know. Oh, maybe it's because you failed to read the part about her sending out a master list!

My response:  I sent an email to everyone on the list reminding them that the girl said she was going to make a master list and if they wanted to be a part of it to email her directly....from that, I got emails apologizing and asking me if I was having a rough day.  What the hell?!  I can't just call out what the instructions were? Why I gotta be in a bad mood?

I just love how other people perceive me.  Just because I don't get an attitude every eight seconds, everyone thinks I am just a super nice person without issue ever.  Just because I don't hold weight for my dude, go out every night or smoke until my eyes chink like an Anime character, I'm a square.  What in the world?! I can't just be set off by random things like normal people?  I can't just not want to have anything to do with drugs or excessive partying?

Does it really have to be all or nothing?

My view is that it doesn't.  I can be deemed just a normal functioning person with pet peeves and I can chill hard and just not be raspy with mine. 

This guy I entertain (can't say talk to because we aren't talking and can't say kick it with because we don't really chill ever, but we entertain each other via text with the intent to hang out and enjoy overly friendly conversation when we're twisted) calls me a square and it pisses me off.  Most people let stuff roll off their back citing 'if it's not true, don't get offended', but it's annoying! I am not going to prove to you I'm more 'bout it than a No Limit Solider, there is no reason for all that!  He just needs to give it up because it's unnecessary.

The way I feel is this, just because you don't see something as a part of my nature every day, doesn't mean it's not there. I have a lot of layers to me-- from ass to Zaire's mother.  Don't trip if you get the one you weren't expecting at any given moment!

#thatisall

Room(dot)

Finding Moral Balance

My birthday is in two month yesterday.  I haven't started back working out and find a thousand excuses as to why, but am seeing my body change because of my habits, which is cool. I can say for sure I am thinking better, which is being projected outward into the universe.  I know this because "I am sailing peacefully over a troubled sea" as my grandfather says.  Things are better.  Situations still arise that cause me to hesitate when I step, but I still move forward because it just makes sense and I know the best is yet to come.

In all that's changing in my life, I have something weighing on my mind that I need to work through--I think my understanding of morals, religion and God is changing.  My friend Kita has a whole blog dedicated to her move from Christianity to where ever she is now.  It's really cool. She talks about spiritsand higher beings, but isn't glued to the idea that Jesus is the way, truth and life.  I am not saying I am renouncing my school of thought because of what my friend says makes so much since, but I have noticed through 'my challenge' I am thinking differently about a lot of stuff.

Somehow, I have a lot more time to go out with my girls.  Well, maybe my family is just surrendering to the inevitable and saying 'yes' to keeping my son on weekends for me to get out and be active in the 5-0-3. LOL.  I've mentioned some of my adventures in my blog and overall am discovering the joys of being young and single again.  I'm not saying I was this sheltered person and never went out before, but going from being single and ready to mingle in college to a committed relationship for two and a half years to single mom was this progressive descent into a space in which the desire to go out and the opportunity faded.

Now I'm back like cooked crack! (Horrible phrase, but my college girls and I say it all the time) I just feel alive and am enjoying being out with my girls and meeting new people.  Even this past Saturday, I met a nice guy from Seattle at a bar.  He was too cute and tall and passionate about working with young people....just awesome.  We seemed to hit it off, but I didn't pull the number.  I should of, but whatever.  I wasn't really looking to, but just enjoyed the conversation. 

Reflecting on that experience, the experience I had at OSU at the step show a couple weeks back and the conversations I have with guy friends often, I am trying to figure out if how I act is okay. I am not saying I am a smut bucket, but I have a kid, so we know what road I've been down before.  My home is a place for me and my child and don't disrespect either one of us by bringing home people, but at some point I may....I just wonder if I am justified in things I do from time to time.

Let the Bible say something and the answer is no, but there needs to be an updated version called "The Bible Part Two: What to Do When You Broke Just About All the Rules" or something! It's like 'where do I go from here?'  As my mind is changing, my thought process is evolving to say 'all long as you're happy and not hurting yourself, get it how you live it', but my organized religion of choice doesn't see things that way.  One part says God loves me no matter what I do, but the other part says I will get left behind if I keep acting the way I do.  But my thought is who buys a car they didn't test drive?  Some things just can't be avoided!

So, I don't know. I guess I'm realizing I need to do more research about the things I find important and make decisions in my best interest.  I need to find balance in having fun and adhering to the moral code I affirm every Sunday after the Gloria Patri.

One day I'll get it together and it certainly needs to be soon, but I can't rush the process.  I just need to make sound decisions and work towards the things I desire and intend to secure. I need to start asking myself the tough questions--what happens after the songs are played out? When the drinks are gone?  When he leaves?  What will I be standing on.  It would seem I need to cultivate the lasting things and let the things that are fleeting, do just that.

This is not the end of this thought.  I will come back to it and further explore what's going on with me.  I just wanted to get it started....we'll see what happens from here....

Room(dot)

Run Through the Tape

I posted 'I Think I Can?' yesterday moments before I walked into a meeting with my Senior Director informing my entire department we are being laid off in the next six weeks.  I find it ironic that the confidence I was pulling on in my post yesterday was stemmed from something that was just snatched away from me.  Yet in still, I press...I am okay and will pull strength from a deeper place.  Just as India.Arie is not her hair, I am not my job.

When the meeting was over and everyone walked back to their desk, they started chillin'! Like maxin' and relaxin'---long breaks, walks to clear their minds and not working.  I must admit, I just on my Gmail account immediately and sent my resume in a blast to all my sorors, so they have my info handy in the event something comes up they can refer me, but that took all of nine seconds.

From there, I was back to work.  Some of my co-workers were like 'why does it matter?  They are letting us go anyway.'  Um, did you black out at the meeting?!  Anytime 'ing' is a part of a word that means you are in the process of, but not completed.  Translation: YOU ARE STILL EMPLOYED AND HAVE WORK TO ACCOMPLISH.

Don't slack off now because the end result is not what you want. Give you best to the end---RUN THROUGH THE TAPE!

Back in the day, I used to be on the hottest track team in the Portland Metropolitan Area. We started as North East Track Club, then got major and were PMTC--Portland Metropolian Track Club.  We were fire!!! We had amazing athletes dedicated to excelling at their individual crafts.  I did field events, but could hear the coaches telling the runners 'from through the tape.'  For those who want to act clueless right now, the tape is the actually tape, rope, banner, Red Rover style human chain, or whatever else was used as the finish line. 

You can be running and count seven people in front of you (meaning you are dead last) and you had better not slow down and walk across the finish line---you run through it!

That was my mindset yesterday....I must run through the tape.  This is a very uncomfortable position to be in--knowing the last day I will have a job here--but didn't I just mention yesterday about stepping out of my comfort zone to do what I truly desire to do?  Yeah, crazy how you ask for stuff and the universe gives it to you that quickly, huh?

I am not afraid.  I am not angry.  I didn't think I was ready either to be honest, but maybe I am.  Maybe I was missing the little hints before to try something different, so I needed this jolt to get myself active and really moving.

My advice to everyone today is while what you are experiencing may not be what you intended, trust there is a reason.  Don't get bitter.  Don't get angry.  Finish strong and feel a sense of pride that you tried your hardest and did your best.

Run through the tape....

Room(dot)

I Think I Can?

Even though I understand my thoughts have tremendous weight, I still struggle with the idea I am not enough.  I could spend a lot of time explaining how this thought applies in relationships, but I am thinking about my career right now and where I want no, desire/intend (thanks Kita) to be.

I can hear Trey singing 'I just wanna be...I just wanna be successful' faintly in my head.  I really do, but I am afraid that I will get in a position in which I can't handle the workload and lose my job.  Is that crazy thinking?  Yeah, I would have to agree with myself in that, but the thought is still there...

It terrifies me that I will have to prove what's on my resume. I re-write it every time I apply for a new job to speak directly to what the position entails and it sounds really good!  The jargon is parellel, but the idea I will have to do what I say I can do makes me nervous.  These thoughts drive me crazy and if I may diagnose myself, my progress in life is impeded by my thought process.  Not cool!  

Somehow, I have to find a way to believe in myself and my abilities.  I never say I 'got' my degree in Journalism and Communication with a concentration in advertising and psychology; I say I EARNED it.  I put in the hours in the library, dorm, car, cash wrap, office, desk and where ever else I studied to obtain passing grades to be handed a degree by a man who said it was not his concern whether or not I graduate.  Oh, God bless the Dean of the Scripps Howard School of Journalism and Communication where ever he is these days...I need to hold that inside.

I haven't survived on my job for almost two years only because I smile a lot and am friendly most days.  (Haha at most days!)  Granted, service with a smile is the key to life, but I do quality work.  I am efficient.  I have EARNED the right to be here. I too need to keep that inside.

All of this is good and well.  I'm good until my circumstance is on the verge of changing.  And it's not like someone or something is prompting me to change against my will.  I just feel I am ready to step outside of what is familiar and apply for positions that truly speak to what I plan to do with my life.  Now that I want to leave this cushy place, this feeling is coming to me that negates everything I just said. 

I am trying to remember my challenge to reprogram my mind and know I am valuable, but today I find myself  struggling like a fish out of water.  Awww, R.I.P to all five fish (and aquatic frog) I had that died last and this week.  Lol.  It's not funny, but I don't know why I couldn't keep them alive.  I can raise a kid, but not a guppy...I don't know what that says about me! 

Back to the matter at hand, though....I can see myself working hard to prove I've earned my place.  I can see myself excelling in the corporate climate.  I can see myself buying what I want, when I want and not having to choose between gas and more groceries. In order for me to obtain all I see, I have to step out on faith and hold onto the confidence I have in a comfortable place.

Gosh, I really appreciate that I have this blog!  It gives me a place to work through my thoughts.  The anxiety I had moments ago as I began writing to the peace I have know feels so good.  I can't say the anxiety won't return, but I guess I just needs to take a minute to encourage myself right quick! 

I CAN DO THIS...I CAN DO THAT...I CAN DO WHATEVER I CHOOSE TO BECAUSE 'IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME.'

While I know some may not support that notion phrased like that because you should ask for something, believe it's yours and leave it alone, the way my mind works, it's all the same to me.  The choice I am making is to ask myself to reach inside for confidence (ask), own that I got this (believe) and walk in that (leave it alone). I think that'll work!

Please continue to pray for me that my mind gets with the program that I'm awesome!

Room(dot)

Case of the Jack in the Box

I would have to say I have never been a fan of Jack in the Boxes...the toy.  I sweat the restaurant...I could do that more than once a day, but because I would like to continue living and not die of a heart attack, I will limit my drive thru visits to about two monthly!

But back to the matter at hand....Jack in the freakin' box.  You have your little tune--the beat never changes....you to pop up when you want, but I can't force you to appear when I want (have you tried to open one?  Not easy). I have to go through the motions and wait for you to come out when you feel like it and when you do, your scary ass wanna smile and look like everything is fun and fine.  Um, no thanks. 

That is the topic of today, ladies and gentlemen:  Jack in the box ex's....

So, in a post or seven, I've made reference to a couple choice men in my life that I've loved and lost.  One--my child's father could be deemed a Jack in the Box, but I prefer yo-yo.  I want to keep him close, but he needs to be out of reach sometimes.  We just can't get it right and I need to put him down for a while, then try again later.  LOL.

The Jack in the box is the other guy....the one who had the nerve to tell me 'what goes around comes around' when he had a kid, but didn't tell me.  Wait a minute you son of a biscuit eater,  when I did that to you, we hadn't been talking for a few months and I wasn't telling you I loved you!  When you did it to me, we were talking about marriage just about every day and you had me convinced someone was about to get a U-Haul because either you or I was moving before the end of the year!  Yeah, he's the clown in the box.

This joker is so screwy! He goes away for some time--like no communication at all--then comes back when he feels like it to say the sweetest things like we haven't talked in three hours, not three months! What the hell?  How you gon' bounce, then fall back into the Gap like it's open 24/7?! Yeah, no.  Of all the lives I'm about, that's not one.

Let me tell y'all something:  I am not the one to be played with.  If he thinks that, he must be mistaken.  I don't think it's fair that he thinks he can have me back anytime he wants because something else he was doing isn't working out the way he wants it to.  I bring all this up because he had the nerve to hit me yesterday and say "Hey baby.  I'm thinking of you like always.  How's my growing boy?"  STOP THE BUS!  YOUR SON?  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT????!!!! I was floored.  He's so freakin' funny. 

All these little tests being popped by the universe are helping me to respond to him better and not buckle at the knees every time I hear from him, but I am still working something out because if I was good to go, I wouldn't be so pissed thinking about how he treats me.

While I don't feel broken anymore that things didn't work out between us, I feel some type of way because I don't think he gets I can't do him right now.  I think I'm still hurting at the fact he moved on without me, but is now trying to come back for me. It's just weird and complicated.  I can say I am mature enough to see and say I'm not ready to deal with him--similar to a Jack in the Box....I can try to prepare for it's second coming, but it's still scary. 

So, as much as I don't want to be stuck, I honestly feel I don't know what to do.  I don't want to hurt his feelings and cuss him out for hitting me up because I do like hearing from him, but I can't just act like he didn't just have a kid for the sake of having a kid, but still try to say I have his heart (his words, not mine.)

Ugh!  Not cool, man...not cool. 

I think I may be gearing up for a long night on the phone with my girls...they always know what to do.... :-)


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Mi Familia

I'm off my game.  I really need to stop with the excuses and make this happen.  The challenge is to think better, live better and write more.  I am thinking better.  I am living better. I am not writing more, though.  Yay for the first two....gotta work on the last one. :-)

With that, I will share with you a little nugget from my day today.

My older sister, my son and I were the only ones at church this morning from our immediate family.  We were invited by our Great Aunt to go to brunch with the fam.  Uh, heck yeah!

So, we met all of our cousins at a restaurant and enjoyed a great time.  I was full in more ways than one.  Great fellowship and great food--can't go wrong with that.  Even my cousin I wrote about previously who has the baby (see Reflective Surfaces) was there. That was a real treat.

My cousins' ages range from 16 to 22.  They are hilarious.  We talked about college, zombies, jobs and a whole bunch of other stuff.  I really appreciated their company.  It seems that although we are moving in a thousand different directions, we still have common ground.  I love that.

As we continue to grow as individuals, my prayer is that we continue to maintain common interests to allow us to enjoy each other's company.  We will always be family, but don't have to be friends.  I really want us to be.  But not just them, the other few that couldn't make it also.  Within our family there are many gifts and talents.  I think if we remain connected, we will find strength in each other, as many families do.

I don't have much to say today, but just wanted it noted that I heart my family.

Maybe tomorrow I will have some incredible epiphany that causes me to write lots and lots, but not today.  Today I just want to revel in having great people in my life. :-)

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Pleasantly Reminded

Yo, I'm slackin...

I missed another three days of writing, but trust and believe it helps to build a better story!  I had a marvelous three-day weekend.  I will spare the details, but just know I had a blast and had the opportunity to experience some things I haven't before and some things that I haven't done is far too long.

I did just say I would spare details, but to set the stage for this post, I will say my sorority sisters and I were on the campus of Oregon State University for the Divine Nine Step Show.  What an experience!  I haven't been to a step show in ages and being Greek now does afford some perks that I rather much enjoyed.

After the show and a little pre-funk session, we went to the after party.  We danced a while, strolled a lot, fights broke out at the end and we left...we're too pretty for all that!  I went back to my hotel room with my girls and ended spending time with some of the bruhs from our 'brother organization'.  I met a real cool guy and he and I hung out oh, like forever.  I didn't get back in until 6:00 AM!  C-R-A-Z-Y!

The rest of the weekend was a blur in that I was so tired, I didn't do much Sunday, nor Monday.  In and out of sleep, I didn't spend time thinking about the great experience I had and how every weekend of my life used to be like that when I was actually in college.  Gone are the days, but the memories linger....

Because of the great time I had, I began thinking how things would have played out after college if I didn't have my son; if I stayed on the East Coast; if this, if that, if that, if this.  Would I have these carefree weekends more often?  Would I be single, sexy and free like Mya? Would I this, would I that?  Blah, blah, blah!  I finally had to tell my mind 'ENOUGH!'  I did have my son.  I moved from the East Coast.  My weekends are what they are--filled with Space Jam, Cars and The Incredibles. 

The decisions I made and didn't make have formed me into the person I am now. And although I have moments of weakness when I think what I used to have was better than I have now, I have to snap back to reality and confess the live I have now is freakin' awesome!  I mentioned this previously, but I have my own car, apartment, good job and a child who adores me.  He is my motivation to do well and I must be grateful for that.

While others may be content with their lives---seemingly carefree and full of parties every weekend, I have to remember, I lived that life and if it were so bomb, I would have decided to do what I needed to do the protect that lifestyle.  Since I didn't, that leads me to believe subconsciously, I knew there was something better for me available.

Yes, partying is fun and if that's where you still are, please have fun for me, but I can't live that life again every day. It wasn't fulfilling.  But ask me about things now....I am satisfied.  Granted, I have much to accomplish, but looking at my life now, I have things I can put my hand to and say I am proud to have the responsibility.

So, I leave you all with the revelation I had: though traveling back is fun for a moment, take the time to remember why you left and continue working toward the life you truly desire. 

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It Didn't Work (Drinking Poison Part 2)

This can be considered a follow up to 'Drinking Poison', I guess.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot fix all I put my hands to....sometimes, even with the best intent, the results I want allude me.  Every apology I make with not be accepted.  Every smile I give will not be returned.  Every tear I cry won't be dried by the person who made me shed a tear.  It's just the way things work.

I tried and it didn't work.  I am not shrugging my shoulders like I don't care, because I sincerely do, but some things cannot be undone.  Gorilla Glue bonds an awful lot (trust, I glued a headband in my hair...don't ask), but it won't repair feelings and hearts.

The last time I had a serious falling out with someone I cared about a lot was almost two years ago.  We had been rocky for a little bit, but we'd talked and ironed things out.  Things were never the same as before, but we were still into each other.  One day, out of the blue, he text a whole bunch of mess.  Details are unnecessary, but he went Super Bad on me like Jonah Hill and I didn't get a chance to defend myself.  The last thing I said to him was 'When you are ready to converse with me like an adult, hit me.  I don't want our friendship to end, but at least we can end it respectfully.'  He never wrote back.  We haven't talked since.

I was gravely hurt. When I turned to one of my best friends for comfort, she said, "It's always sad when the people you know become the people you knew...' Isn't that the truth?

Here I stand in the same place at back when my girl and I had that conversation...I reached out to apologize and state my position.  She responded and stated hers...Needless to say, we're not hanging out anytime soon. I don't think there's anything else to be said.  Things fall apart sometimes and don't come back together.

I love the innocence of children.  One hurts the other, intentionally or unintentionally, both run to the adult.  The adult makes each apologize and they run away...together.  It's almost like they have short term memory loss. Their brains can't convert the offense to long term memory, so they just keep it moving and enjoy the company of each other.

I so wish I could return to that time--when pain inflicted can be kissed away and saying 'sorry' was enough.  Maybe in some situations it is, but not here and I have to be okay with that. It's not going to happen overnight, but I will at some point be okay without this person in my life.  Do I want her?  Yes.  But I have to take ownership of what I did to split us a part and take the lesson.

What happened between her and I wasn't some one-time thing, but many occurrences that put us in the predicament we are in now.  What I gather from this so that it never happens again is that my words are lethal and though I may dismiss them as quickly as I say them, others can hold onto them.  They have the ability to accept of reject them, but they will always know I am capable of such atrocities and have to decide to dismiss those words in the moment or use them to shape their perception of my character.

Bottom line:  I hurt people and they don't have to take me back when I do.  I need to be okay with that result or make better choices moving forward so I don't have to lose another friend. Because of how this is effecting me, I plan to choose option two...

Room(dot)

The Blame Game

I'm an idiot.

I didn't pay my student loan on time (who has that kind of money), so I kept receiving notices my account was past due.  I was getting around to it, but needed to get to some other stuff first.  Anyway, "Mas'a Sallie Mae" was paid on Sunday, but still kept sending me notices, so I paid them again thinking the other payment didn't go through.  After poking around on the website, I found that I had paid them twice! What the heck?! I was more than heated to say the least.

I called to see if they would post date the payment for the next month.  No. So, I called my bank to cancel the payment.  They said because two payments were sent in the same amount, the cancellation could void both of my payments...thereby putting my account into further delinquency.  Blast! I told them to cancel it anyway and see what would happen.

Alas, I received an email yesterday to say one payment had been received.  Then I received another email today saying the second payment had been received.  Double blast! My bank account isn't negative or anything, but that money was supposed to be for my son's childcare tuition. Thank goodness my aunt owns the center he attends, so she's not overly trippin'.  I do respect her business, though and hate when I don't make payments on time.

What is the point? I bring all this up to say I was only mad about all of this for a total of 8.5 seconds.  The way I used to act, I would have cussed everyone at both institutions out for not being able to fix my self-inflicted issue.  Nope!  Not anymore. Granted, it is okay to be upset in a given situation, but channeling your frustration in the right direction is what people often forget. 

This situation made me think about all of the other times I have gone off on people because I did something wrong, but was so blinded by my anger that I let them have it when I should have served myself like Marques Houston!  Let's be honest here, I goes off...yes, I know I said 'goes..' and I really need to be more conscious of whether or not my frustration is justified and channeled in the right direction.

I feel all people have valid thoughts and emotions, but channel that energy where it ought to be.  I can't get made at Sallie Mae or US Bank because they won't reserve the results of my ignorance.  I need to look myself in the mirror and have a GOST (Get Our S**t Together) Meeting!  Why don't you have the money to pay two months at once?  Um, because I bought two new dresses, a pair of sandals, ate out four out of seven days of the week...Yeah, PERSPECTIVE...put your stuff in it like a basket at Wal-Mart, homie!

This is why I can't get mad at others unnecessarily. I need to take a moment to realize what's really going on and deal with what missteps I've take to be in the situation in the first place. I think this kind of introspection will help me to be more rational in thought before reacting in situations.

To be honest, I doubt this will be easy for me, but I am committed to trying so I can be a more level-headed, rational person.

Join me, why do cha'!

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Grateful

Today, my co-workers and I received news that our other office (in another state) is being closed and all of the work will flow to my site. Wow.  I feel okay because that means I will be super busy and can continue to prove I belong here, but I just thinking of the people at that office and the families they have.  All I can say is I am eternally grateful it wasn't me because it could have been.

Kirk Franklin and somebody...I can't keep up--NU Nation, the Family, 1NC, I don't know!  He's had a few too many groups for me, but anyway.  There was a song he did a while back talking about 'I coulda been me, with no clothes, no shoes and no food to eat...'  Something like that.  That is so real!  This is the time to not complain about having to get up at 5:30 in the A.M. for your job, but be grateful you have a job to get up for!  Hello?!

Some people are getting up faithfully to look for work and would gladly hit snooze for you, so you can get more sleep and they can take your place.  Don't get it twisted, your job owes you nothing.  You think no one else can do your job like you, you're right...someone can do it better and come to work with a 'real' smile!

I make reference to my girls often because I have a really good inner circle. My inner circle is spread from the West Coast to the East Coast, but we are always available for each other for encouragement, education and a quick chin-check, if we are out of pocket.

One of my girls has been encouraging us to do an "Intention List" and "Gratitude List"---really taking the time to write down the things we desire and what we are grateful for.  I haven't done mine yet, but if I may, I will use this space to at least start writing some things I am grateful for.  This is off the cuff and in no particular order, just to throw it out there!

I am grateful for....

>Friends who tell me the truth
>Family who say I can always come home
>Money in my savings account
>A car to drive and the title that proves I own it
>Waking up in my own bed, in my own apartment with my child in the next room meaning we don't have to sleep on top of each other in a studio
>Knowing how to forgive (still working on doing it, but I know how!)
>Self-actualization in some respects
>Sorority sisters
>People who give me compliments
>Knowing a good God
>Options....people to spend time with, places to go, things to eats, things to wear, how to wear my hair...
>A job
>Bills...and the money to pay them
>Health
>Activity of my limbs
>Waking up in my right mind
>Rights and responsibilities
>The courage to walk away....

Oh this list can go on and on!  I am nowhere near the end of the list, but I am done complaining....my co-workers just lost their job! I need to be grateful for the things I have and create a plan of action for the things I look to possess. 

Again, just as I said yesterday, everything will not happen overnight, but just because one hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it never will and that I can be upset about what I already have.

My mom shared this with me:

"If God answers your prayers, He is increasing your faith.
If God delays, He is increasing your patience.
If God doesn't answer, He has something better for you."

I will praise Him for what He's given me, what He is bringing me and what is not coming because I trust His plan.  While I experience the storms of life, I will find comfort in being grateful for the things in my life.  If I lack a grateful attitude, I am sure they will be removed...and I can't have that.  Nope, not at all...

Thank you....

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Small Victories

I sincerely apologize for my absence over the past couple of days.  Part of this challenge was to write every day, but I have been quite busy.  Last weekend, I became one of the newest members of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated!!!!!!!!!!  I'm excited: goal number 15,987 accomplished! 

It's been five years since I first expressed interest in the organization.  A lot has happened since then, but I never lost sight of what I wanted.  I am learning now more than ever, everything won't happen overnight.  This is certainly a testimony to my spirit that the things I desire are available but sometimes patience is just as important as persistence!

In chatting with one of my best girls, she told me actualizing my dreams and goals can happen as quickly as I want. From that conversation I learned, my 'challenge' to think better can help me manifest my desires faster.

If I keep telling myself I can't or I won't, I am correct about both of those defeating statements.  But if I can eat this elephant (haha, whole new meaning, but I digress) one bit at a time, I can get to a place where success comes every moment. 

If the goals are small along the way and build up to something phenomenal at the end, I've done all I needed to do and not really noticed.  It's almost like one of those pictures that is made up of smaller pictures--each of the little pictures is a complete work on its own (a small success), but when all of the pictures are added to each other, one massive piece of art is created (a big success).

Being an AKA is a great accomplishment in itself because of what it says about me and how I want to brand myself, but there is so much more life to be lived and more to be accomplished from here.  one of my sisters who went through the process with me said of the organization (whose colors are pink and green), "I don't even like pink.  I didn't join for the colors, I joined for the service."   She was dead on.

This is not the end, but the beginning of lifelong service.  See how small the goal accomplished becomes when put in perspective of all to be accomplished in time?   I am not belittling my acceptance into the organization, but better able to relate to the fact that if I treat my ideas of what I want to do as small parts to a larger picture, I think I won't be so high-strung! LOL.  I will be able to clearly and calmly deal with all I seek to do.

And when I can complete one thing, then the next, then the next, I can step back and see everything coming together as it should.  I don't have to whine and cry about what hasn't worked out YET, just move onto the next part of something I can handle in that moment.  Ooh!  Kind of like a Paint-By-Number. (Love those!)  I like to do all one color, which can be a little over here and a little other there, at a time.  By the time I'm done, I have a beautiful masterpiece.

What am I trying to say?  I'm sayin':  I have decided to take lots of small victories along the way to make myself happy and assure myself I am doing things well for myself.  No more broken heartedness over expectations I set that are too high.  I'm over that.

Yes, cheers to small victories.  May they all come together as something awesome to look at and be proud of in the end, but in the moment first!

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Reflective Surfaces

Happy Friday!!!

I shared my blog info with my mommy and she read it.  That's great!  She liked it enough to share with a co-worker and she's now quoting things I said.  That's awesome! When my mom was telling me her co-worker was really feeling my writing, I told her I hadn't even planned on writing today, but she said 'you need to.'  'Yes, ma'am' was my only reply.

Here we go...

You just never know what kind of impact you can have on someone, if you would just but share your experiences.  In a conversation with a close friend yesterday, she was sharing how concerned she is for the decisions her younger sister is making and is going to have her friend talk to her because their lives are mirroring each other in a bad way.  The friend is older than the sister, but was in her shoes awhile ago and doesn't want this young one to come up the same way. 

In my friend sharing that with me, I was noting that my aunt are asking the same of me for her daughter--my cousin.  It's kind of a flattering position to be put in, but kind of not.  It's like 'your life is some kind of wonderful now and you are a wonderful example to people.  If they talk to you long enough, they will know you were a hot mess and maybe stop what they are doing to save themselves from being like you how you become you!'  Aww, gee thanks!  LOL.  But really, it is an interesting position to be in.

I am the crazy one of my sisters--I went the furthest to school, had the first kid, been in compromising situations...my siblies (as I like to call them) don't do that.  So, they are the ones talking to me all the time about making better decisions, not the other way around.

So, here I am now being asked to be an example for someone else, to help them make better choices and kind of lost as to how to do that.  My friend (who I was talking to yesterday) said, "All you can do is share your story and as you talk she'll start seeing parts of you she identifies with."  Got it.

And as simple as that, I am reminded today by my mother that other people identify with me through what I say. 

I never thought I was insignificant.  I know I am destined for great things.  My parents raised me that way. But I guess I never put thought into the idea that my life is an example for others--the way I act, treat others, allow others to treat me, and what I set my sights on to accomplish are examples for others. 

The world doesn't need a whole bunch of people just like me in the sense that my personality and attitude are too much for even me sometimes, but the world does need more transparent people willing to share with others the heartache, the excitement of firsts in their lives, the 'how to get from A to B' guide and the like, so we can all find something in each other we identify with and thereby make us better people.

Living two points past platinum is about that life---the life the shares to grow.  If I can say one thing to help you heal and move on, yes! If I can say one thing to make you not do what you were about to do because I did it and told you how it turned out, yes! Granted, you can do everything like the next person and get totally different results, but you get what I'm sayin!

I don't know if this helps you, but I feel like Young Gunz right now: Can't Stop Won't Stop Rockafella Records out this piece! 

I MUST keep writing.  In this, may you find the peace to satisfy your soul...I sure am...

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Pretty Wings

Hey all!

So, today is a good day sans the fact I twisted my knee first thing out of my bed this morning.  Yo, who does that?!  I am mad at myself for this self-inflicted injury. It really hurts!  lol.

Anyway. 

'Pretty Wings' by Maxwell came on my India.Arie Pandora station this morning and was singing to my soul!  I was really groovin' in my chair at work.  I don't follow specific artists hardbody, but Maxwell may get my money if he ever does a concert nearby.  His voice is beautiful.

I say all that to say I now feel I am making serious progress in getting through the heartache of the man I loved very much.  Too much background to tell the full story but here's the short:  He and I met around the same time I met my son's father.  He's always been around and we developed a really special friendship. We dated only briefly and that was when I had moved back to Portland, but we've always been connected. Every time I was in town, I was his for the week and all that jazz.  We've had some fall outs which would result in is not talking for three months at a time and then we'd find ourselves calling and texting again all of the sudden like nothing happened.   Recently (mid-February), he had a kid. He had been talking and exchanging 'I love you's' and talking marriage daily, but he didn't tell me until three days after she was born and said she was 'planned.'  What a jerk!  His final words to me: "What goes around comes around" (in reference to me not telling him I was pregnant until I was two months away from giving birth. My bad!  That was like four years ago!  I was young....you are grown man now.).  So, needless to say, we haven't been talking, although he has been on my line lightweight lately.

The point of all of this is that 'Pretty Wings' used to be a trigger for me.  Right after he and I stopped talking, anytime I heard the song I was all to pieces.  If you listen to the words this will make more sense, but I couldn't bear the thought of just being a distant memory to him and him not having feelings for me.  I just KNEW I was so much more important and needed to be in the forefront of his mind like Sandlot FOR-E-VER!  So, I had to change the song anytime it started.  I got good enough to skip to the next song after two beats into the track!

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!  FREEDOM OVER ME!  That song came up and I blasted it loud in my work issued ear buds without questions.  His face didn't pop into my mind.  I didn't feel anything in my gut.  I just smiled listening to the song. I see now that I cannot continue to live in the fantasy of a relationship anymore.  He didn't choose me--he chose to give another girl his child.  He chose to tell me one thing and do another.  He chose to live a life without me.  Fine, fine, Philly-fine-fine! That is just fine! 

Being able to listen to that song is showing me that I have the strength to move on.  To dial back to the other day about living in silence and having no negative thoughts eating at me...this is the next step, I feel.  This used-to-be-trigger is no longer evoking a certain feeling; I am not so moved.  And what's after this?  I don't know, maybe seeing him or him hitting me up to say something of substance?  I won't push the universe to test me, but I think slowly I am getting to a good place.

I know God can't bless mess, so as I am working this out to be whole and free, I know He is working on something awesome for me and to claim it, I must be ready--not bitter, angry, sad and broken.  I think I am headed in the right direction.  

Let us see what happens next....

Room(dot)

Drinking Poison

My friends never cease to amaze me. 

Today, my wounds are leaking and they can smell them.  Well, I pointed to them first, but even so, they can sense the deeper things festering.  I know that all sounds really gross, but this is real talk.  Get with it or get lost.  No Lloyd.

I read somewhere that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.  So, where does this leave me today?  It leaves me in a place to realize that for me to really be serious about the challenge to reprogram my mind, I need to man up and apologize for what I did wrong yesterday, last month, last year and last decade and pray you are big enough to do the same after I can admit what missteps I took in this relationship.

That's good, Breanna...who are you talking about? What the French Umbrellas Cake and Kites does that have to do with anything?! The details of any given situation or person I am talking about do not matter.  What matters is as hurt as I find myself sometimes, my friends pointed out to me that if I want to grow, I have to be stretched. It may be uncomfortable, but all things comfortable aren't good.  Case in point (case and point, whatever!) people, places, hell, nearly every noun I know that was comfortable, has not been good for me.  So, maybe trying something new will be good for me.

Ugh!  I hate when people try to help me be better!  LOL.  Not really, but I'm sayin, I hate to lose and apologizing first in my mind can be considered a loss. Good thing my thoughts are slowly being kicked to the curb in the name of good and greatness.

So, what have we learned today?  Well, maybe not you, but me?  I have learned in order to really live my best life I need to stop contemplating when and how I am going to use the hatchet, but bury it and walk away....not necessarily from the person, but the urge to find a way to make them hurt how I've been hurting.

Who knows?  In this I may friend a new friend within an old friend that I left behind because I couldn't deal with a seeming betrayal.  I really do miss her....I hope she misses me the same.  If not, I will have to move on, but at least there will be closure. We may decide to move on together, that would be nice, but only time will tell.

I just wanted to share, so no one thought I was trying to make this an all-the-time happy place where I act like I'm not affected by real world mess...trust that I am.  I just hope my thoughts in front of me will help me (and possibly you) make better decisions so everyone around me can be two points past platinum also.

This is me spitting out poison: alihglhgoiahgaoihgjkagjkadgkngajkadgjkash&(

I don't want to kill myself anymore...

ps.  Pandora is playing 'Poison' by Bell Biv DeVoe right now.  Gotta love the irony of the universe!

Own It

Hey.

So, I'm at work.  I forgot my lunch today, but had a few dollars and grabbed something from downstairs.  I am grubbin' on these fries right now.   If I hadn't forgotten my lunch, I probably wasn't going to have fries for a week, but since the opportunity presented itself...I'm all over it!

Now, most people who know me well, know that I feel like I look like a moose often times.  A moose, really?  Yes! Just big and awkward.  I know that's extreme and I have been spending more time in the mirror to work on loving what I see.  Guys I've dated say the nicest things about my body and some days, my outfits are killin' the game, so I get compliments, but I'm working to compliment myself every day.

I used to have time to work out and was really into loving myself then becasue I was seeing results, but now, my schedule doesn't permit, so I don't.  I used to have a serious complex about what I ate because I didn't want to lose the toned look I was acquiring and felt like I was going to do if I made the decision to eat fast food.

I am so over that!

Here's the deal.  I have decided if I am not happy, I need to change to make myself happy.  That includes people needing to leave my life, jobs that need a-changin' and my body image.  I look the way I do because I created this look--through exercise and lack thereof and my PERCEPTION.

A really good friend and her family taught me that perception is so very important and I am starting to get it now.  If I want to eat fries...I will eat fries.  They will be hot and tasty and I will enjoy them with ketchup!  Why?  Because I can, homie!

And I will own the look that goes with eating fries.  If I don't like the look, I will do what is necessary to change and stop complaining and acting like an idiot like I wasn't there when I made the decisions to get me in the position I am in.

This really goes beyond fries and fat to life and living...I am prepared now more than ever to make the decisions that make me happy.  So, eff you for looking at me crazy while I eat this, but it's satisfying my soul and I don't care about you in this moment.  My joy is not contingent upon your approval of my decisions!

So, to those who catch this I say, do what you do and enjoy it.  Don't complain about what you don't like unless you plan to get your tail in gear and change something! 

I don't plan to eat fries every day, but I do plan to stop crucifying myself for the decisions I make because I was in charge on my actions in the first place. 

Do what you do and love it, is all I'm saying. I am taking my own advise.  Effective immediately.

Room(dot)

Living in Silence

I used to be afraid of the moments when everything around me was quiet.  Granted, I am sure most people, especially busy moms would enjoy the times of peace and quiet, but I couldn't deal with it.  When all of the outside noise stopped, my thoughts would run around like Bebe's Kids and wreck everything!

I could have a great day--be all happy and e'erything (yeah, I said it!) and as soon as friends left my presence, I would sink into a depressing state while listening to my thoughts say stuff like 'that was nice, but you know if you were still in Virgina, you could live like this all the time...'  'Are you happy today? Awesome.  if you decided to make better choices Senior Year, you'd probably be married and happy with a man who worshipped you....'  Really, mind?  You just gon' monsoon on my parade, though?!

Living like that isn't fun.  I remember as recently two, three months ago, I would wake up crying, go to sleep crying and cry between projects because my mind was too idle and my thoughts were escaping to do damage.

I would have song lyrics posted around my apartment and rock out to 'So What' by Pink and 'Be O.K.' by Chrisette Michelle.  I had to dance and sing to keep my mind busy and realize the pain I was feeling from failed relationships would go away at some point. Until then, I would confuse them by acting happy and singing loudly.

Almost overnight, I woke up one day and took down the songs.  I replaced the lyrics with lines from 'Eat, Pray, Love' and I enjoyed the positive affirmations I was reading daily, but still didn't believe them.  It was very easy to regress because seeing the quotes reminded me of why I needed to put them up in the first place---still not helping!  Blast!

Then today happened...I woke up.  My little honey was sleeping soundly in my bed (don't know why good sleep alludes him in his room, but whatever).  The sun was shining and the world around me was so quiet.  It was beautiful.  I showered, dressed, had breakfast.  Still no noise. My mind was silent.  It has no bad thoughts for me.  I actually had to conjure up an ugly thought and that was too much effort, so I left my mind at peace.

I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to enjoy silence again--to be in a place where I am not constantly pained by the memories of what was and didn't work out.  One day I may share all that I am referring to, but not today.  Today, I just want to revel in the fact that is is possible to recondition your mind--not just in theory, but in actuality. 

Ultimately, I want to hear the positive thoughts my mind has for me, but we aren't there yet...I can see that taking a little more time. But waking up to silence and not being afraid is a good start and I'll take it.


Room(dot)

This is the Life

To the mothers who catch this, Happy Day to you.  (I would say Happy Mother's Day, but I don't like repeating words to often...)

Anyway.

Hey! I hope today is awesome for everyone.  I know I am enjoying the weather, fellowship, food and this green little number I got from Ross for the low, low.  I love Ross so much and this dress is more than flattering.  I broke out these platform sandals I haven't worn in two and a half years also.  They were red skin skin print.  Yeah, Thicky-Thick over here is doing it.  Do you hear me?!  Lol.

Today, well, everyday, but especially today, I am more than grateful of the position I hold.  I am a mother.  I have the only child of my siblings and I love it!  They spoil my baby and treat me so well also.  I don't know what I would do without my family to support and assist me in being the mom who is trying to take over the world like Brain.

After church, we all sat together at my parents' house and my mother and I went back and forth opening the gifts and cards we were given.  All of the cards I received said just about the same thing---my family adores me, is proud of me and thinks I am doing a great job with my little monster.

Although I do like to act like the world revolves around me, those sentiments were real! I was quite flattered.

 I think their notes were a wonderful reminder than I am doing well as a mother and all around individual.  For those who don't really know much of me, I am a single mother and have been since before my son was born. It's been  a hard three years, but I cannot go back there....if I have to choose between being dependent, broken and sad in a relationship or joyous, full, and happy as a single mother, I chose the latter.

Yes, it is hard to be the only person who is solely responsible for a child--a boy at that.  I don't know nothin' about boys!  If I did, I would have known how to pick one who would've stayed!  Let me stop...I'm sayin' though: I can't dwell on what was and how I fell apart.

My job now is to focus on the incredible adventure that is exploring the world through the eyes of a three-year-old.  Eyes that are full of wonderful, excitement, love and constant forgiveness.

I can't say it's not difficult often, because it is.  But what's more, is that I don't care.  At the end of the day when my son is happy and my family is proud of me, I think I've done well.

My advice is this: focus on what's in front of you--not time you can't redeem and people you need not chance to stick around.  Where you are is exactly where you are meant to be.  I understand that now. Granted,  I don't rejoice in the fact I am raising my son alone, but I am build Ford trough and am handling it well enough that others that notice.  Two points for me!
Yeah, this is the life and I'm loving it!

Room(dot)

When the Sun Sets...

Hey there.

I know it's quite late in the day, but I have been busy enjoying my life today.  The weather is nice...my shoulders and toes are out; things are just lovely! 

Everyone seems to be in a better mood when the sun is shining.  People smiles and wave randomly.  People allow others to go in front of them on the freeway.  It's awesome.  But on the other side of things, I've noticed, when it's cloudy and raining, people aren't trying to do na-nutta-nothin' for anyone else.

As much as I would like to say I have a great attitude all the time, I really don't.  As tall as I am, I am one of the shortest people by way of temper when things aren't going my way.  I can be more than honest and say I have thee worst attitude at the drop of a hat.  I am not proud of that in the least bit and realize I need to make some adjustments to change that. 

That is the purpose of my challenge; why I call my blog 'Two Points Past Platinum.'  Jill Scott sang about living a golden life and that's all well and good, but I am trying to go far beyond that.  To me, that means keeping that good feeling the sun brings even when it's not present.  I need to move beyond having a fair-weather attitude and smile and act right in rain, sleet, snow and hail!

Granted, some days will be harder than others, but I cannot let that deter me from living at my best when things seem to be at their worst. So, while smiling and thinking positively will be easier over the next week because of this dry spell we are experiencing, when the rain returns, I need to condition my mind to operate like I'm experiencing a drought.

May the sun forever shine in your life...


Room(dot)

Comparing Apples to Bananas

First, hello. 

Second: Am I the only one who still sings Gwen Steffani's 'Hollerback Girl' when trying to spell 'bananas'?  No?  Great!  Thank you.

So, real quick, I just wanted to shout out that four years ago today I graduated from college.  Since this, I've moved back to Oregon, had a kid, bought a car, have an awesome place with no roommate, connected to some great organizations, have a good job and great friends....that's a lot, right? I think so too....when I'm not on Facebook!

The people I graduated with have done some pretty incredible things since graduating---started businesses, gotten married, moved to cool places, make lots of money and the like.  It's pretty cool to turn on the TV and see some girl dancing next to P.Diddy and say 'oh, shoot!  That's my lab partner from Senior Year' or look in a well-read magazine and say 'snap!  She borrowed my pencil because she forgot hers in her other bag!' 

It's really neat, but at the same time, I'm type jealous sometimes because I haven't accomplished the same things as them.  So, I set my table for a pity party every now and then, but then remember all of the things I listed about my own successes.  I have no idea what people have had to give up for those careers, cars and clothes and I will not act like Inspector Gadget to find out! 

I am blessed beyond measure because I have been given a wonderful opportunity to enrich the lives of those I am connected to through gifts another people don't have.  Not like no one else is a mom, but no one else is the mother of my child.  No one else works where I work with the personality I have.  People can share ideas in a meeting, but they aren't my ideas. You see where this is going and I won't list a comparable for everything!

I was created with an awesome purpose and although there are days I see the successes of everyone else and want to jump off a table (I don't have time to go any higher than that, I don't want to injure myself), I have to focus on living my life well.

I can't do anything about what other people do, but I can do everything about my response.  New Roomie gets that and I think starting this blog yesterday was awesome because my first test came today...I think I passed.  Happy Graduation Anniversary Onyx 7...may we all continue to live lead incredible lives that inspire other people to do better.  I know you all sure do that for me!

Room(dot)

The Challenge....

My college family calls me Roomie and although I am removed from college now, the name represents so much for me.  I did more growing in those four years at my Home by the Sea (look it up if you aint know) than I have at any other point is my life thus far, so I felt it more than appropriate to pen my work with the name.

I don't plan to generate a following from my posts, but wanted a place to collect my thoughts while I navigate that which is my life.  If you like it, awesome.  If you hate it, awesom-er....the intent of my blog is to focus on what I am trying to accomplish for myself, not for the praise of others.  Your dissatisfaction of my work will propel me to complete my challenge.

So, what is the challenge?  The challenge is for me to change my life in 90 days.  On August 10th, 2012 I will be 26 years old.  Not a monumental number, but I believe each year is something to celebrate.  I refuse to live my life broken, unhappy and lacking.  I have decided to commit myself to greatness---great friends, great love, great body image (notice I didn't say I was about to get ripped, lol), great energy and actualization of great purpose that already dwells in me

Those who know me best know I stuggle with the most random and unfounded insecurities...I'm over it, well working on being over it and that means the quest for a connection to my deeper self---my sexy, super hot mom, awesome friend, beautiful, stylish, successful self in on. 

Day One....let's get it!