Drinking Poison

My friends never cease to amaze me. 

Today, my wounds are leaking and they can smell them.  Well, I pointed to them first, but even so, they can sense the deeper things festering.  I know that all sounds really gross, but this is real talk.  Get with it or get lost.  No Lloyd.

I read somewhere that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.  So, where does this leave me today?  It leaves me in a place to realize that for me to really be serious about the challenge to reprogram my mind, I need to man up and apologize for what I did wrong yesterday, last month, last year and last decade and pray you are big enough to do the same after I can admit what missteps I took in this relationship.

That's good, Breanna...who are you talking about? What the French Umbrellas Cake and Kites does that have to do with anything?! The details of any given situation or person I am talking about do not matter.  What matters is as hurt as I find myself sometimes, my friends pointed out to me that if I want to grow, I have to be stretched. It may be uncomfortable, but all things comfortable aren't good.  Case in point (case and point, whatever!) people, places, hell, nearly every noun I know that was comfortable, has not been good for me.  So, maybe trying something new will be good for me.

Ugh!  I hate when people try to help me be better!  LOL.  Not really, but I'm sayin, I hate to lose and apologizing first in my mind can be considered a loss. Good thing my thoughts are slowly being kicked to the curb in the name of good and greatness.

So, what have we learned today?  Well, maybe not you, but me?  I have learned in order to really live my best life I need to stop contemplating when and how I am going to use the hatchet, but bury it and walk away....not necessarily from the person, but the urge to find a way to make them hurt how I've been hurting.

Who knows?  In this I may friend a new friend within an old friend that I left behind because I couldn't deal with a seeming betrayal.  I really do miss her....I hope she misses me the same.  If not, I will have to move on, but at least there will be closure. We may decide to move on together, that would be nice, but only time will tell.

I just wanted to share, so no one thought I was trying to make this an all-the-time happy place where I act like I'm not affected by real world mess...trust that I am.  I just hope my thoughts in front of me will help me (and possibly you) make better decisions so everyone around me can be two points past platinum also.

This is me spitting out poison: alihglhgoiahgaoihgjkagjkadgkngajkadgjkash&(

I don't want to kill myself anymore...

ps.  Pandora is playing 'Poison' by Bell Biv DeVoe right now.  Gotta love the irony of the universe!