Pretty Wings

Hey all!

So, today is a good day sans the fact I twisted my knee first thing out of my bed this morning.  Yo, who does that?!  I am mad at myself for this self-inflicted injury. It really hurts!  lol.

Anyway. 

'Pretty Wings' by Maxwell came on my India.Arie Pandora station this morning and was singing to my soul!  I was really groovin' in my chair at work.  I don't follow specific artists hardbody, but Maxwell may get my money if he ever does a concert nearby.  His voice is beautiful.

I say all that to say I now feel I am making serious progress in getting through the heartache of the man I loved very much.  Too much background to tell the full story but here's the short:  He and I met around the same time I met my son's father.  He's always been around and we developed a really special friendship. We dated only briefly and that was when I had moved back to Portland, but we've always been connected. Every time I was in town, I was his for the week and all that jazz.  We've had some fall outs which would result in is not talking for three months at a time and then we'd find ourselves calling and texting again all of the sudden like nothing happened.   Recently (mid-February), he had a kid. He had been talking and exchanging 'I love you's' and talking marriage daily, but he didn't tell me until three days after she was born and said she was 'planned.'  What a jerk!  His final words to me: "What goes around comes around" (in reference to me not telling him I was pregnant until I was two months away from giving birth. My bad!  That was like four years ago!  I was young....you are grown man now.).  So, needless to say, we haven't been talking, although he has been on my line lightweight lately.

The point of all of this is that 'Pretty Wings' used to be a trigger for me.  Right after he and I stopped talking, anytime I heard the song I was all to pieces.  If you listen to the words this will make more sense, but I couldn't bear the thought of just being a distant memory to him and him not having feelings for me.  I just KNEW I was so much more important and needed to be in the forefront of his mind like Sandlot FOR-E-VER!  So, I had to change the song anytime it started.  I got good enough to skip to the next song after two beats into the track!

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!  FREEDOM OVER ME!  That song came up and I blasted it loud in my work issued ear buds without questions.  His face didn't pop into my mind.  I didn't feel anything in my gut.  I just smiled listening to the song. I see now that I cannot continue to live in the fantasy of a relationship anymore.  He didn't choose me--he chose to give another girl his child.  He chose to tell me one thing and do another.  He chose to live a life without me.  Fine, fine, Philly-fine-fine! That is just fine! 

Being able to listen to that song is showing me that I have the strength to move on.  To dial back to the other day about living in silence and having no negative thoughts eating at me...this is the next step, I feel.  This used-to-be-trigger is no longer evoking a certain feeling; I am not so moved.  And what's after this?  I don't know, maybe seeing him or him hitting me up to say something of substance?  I won't push the universe to test me, but I think slowly I am getting to a good place.

I know God can't bless mess, so as I am working this out to be whole and free, I know He is working on something awesome for me and to claim it, I must be ready--not bitter, angry, sad and broken.  I think I am headed in the right direction.  

Let us see what happens next....

Room(dot)