I Think I Can?

Even though I understand my thoughts have tremendous weight, I still struggle with the idea I am not enough.  I could spend a lot of time explaining how this thought applies in relationships, but I am thinking about my career right now and where I want no, desire/intend (thanks Kita) to be.

I can hear Trey singing 'I just wanna be...I just wanna be successful' faintly in my head.  I really do, but I am afraid that I will get in a position in which I can't handle the workload and lose my job.  Is that crazy thinking?  Yeah, I would have to agree with myself in that, but the thought is still there...

It terrifies me that I will have to prove what's on my resume. I re-write it every time I apply for a new job to speak directly to what the position entails and it sounds really good!  The jargon is parellel, but the idea I will have to do what I say I can do makes me nervous.  These thoughts drive me crazy and if I may diagnose myself, my progress in life is impeded by my thought process.  Not cool!  

Somehow, I have to find a way to believe in myself and my abilities.  I never say I 'got' my degree in Journalism and Communication with a concentration in advertising and psychology; I say I EARNED it.  I put in the hours in the library, dorm, car, cash wrap, office, desk and where ever else I studied to obtain passing grades to be handed a degree by a man who said it was not his concern whether or not I graduate.  Oh, God bless the Dean of the Scripps Howard School of Journalism and Communication where ever he is these days...I need to hold that inside.

I haven't survived on my job for almost two years only because I smile a lot and am friendly most days.  (Haha at most days!)  Granted, service with a smile is the key to life, but I do quality work.  I am efficient.  I have EARNED the right to be here. I too need to keep that inside.

All of this is good and well.  I'm good until my circumstance is on the verge of changing.  And it's not like someone or something is prompting me to change against my will.  I just feel I am ready to step outside of what is familiar and apply for positions that truly speak to what I plan to do with my life.  Now that I want to leave this cushy place, this feeling is coming to me that negates everything I just said. 

I am trying to remember my challenge to reprogram my mind and know I am valuable, but today I find myself  struggling like a fish out of water.  Awww, R.I.P to all five fish (and aquatic frog) I had that died last and this week.  Lol.  It's not funny, but I don't know why I couldn't keep them alive.  I can raise a kid, but not a guppy...I don't know what that says about me! 

Back to the matter at hand, though....I can see myself working hard to prove I've earned my place.  I can see myself excelling in the corporate climate.  I can see myself buying what I want, when I want and not having to choose between gas and more groceries. In order for me to obtain all I see, I have to step out on faith and hold onto the confidence I have in a comfortable place.

Gosh, I really appreciate that I have this blog!  It gives me a place to work through my thoughts.  The anxiety I had moments ago as I began writing to the peace I have know feels so good.  I can't say the anxiety won't return, but I guess I just needs to take a minute to encourage myself right quick! 

I CAN DO THIS...I CAN DO THAT...I CAN DO WHATEVER I CHOOSE TO BECAUSE 'IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME.'

While I know some may not support that notion phrased like that because you should ask for something, believe it's yours and leave it alone, the way my mind works, it's all the same to me.  The choice I am making is to ask myself to reach inside for confidence (ask), own that I got this (believe) and walk in that (leave it alone). I think that'll work!

Please continue to pray for me that my mind gets with the program that I'm awesome!

Room(dot)