My birthday is in two month yesterday. I haven't started back working out and find a thousand excuses as to why, but am seeing my body change because of my habits, which is cool. I can say for sure I am thinking better, which is being projected outward into the universe. I know this because "I am sailing peacefully over a troubled sea" as my grandfather says. Things are better. Situations still arise that cause me to hesitate when I step, but I still move forward because it just makes sense and I know the best is yet to come.
In all that's changing in my life, I have something weighing on my mind that I need to work through--I think my understanding of morals, religion and God is changing. My friend Kita has a whole blog dedicated to her move from Christianity to where ever she is now. It's really cool. She talks about spiritsand higher beings, but isn't glued to the idea that Jesus is the way, truth and life. I am not saying I am renouncing my school of thought because of what my friend says makes so much since, but I have noticed through 'my challenge' I am thinking differently about a lot of stuff.
Somehow, I have a lot more time to go out with my girls. Well, maybe my family is just surrendering to the inevitable and saying 'yes' to keeping my son on weekends for me to get out and be active in the 5-0-3. LOL. I've mentioned some of my adventures in my blog and overall am discovering the joys of being young and single again. I'm not saying I was this sheltered person and never went out before, but going from being single and ready to mingle in college to a committed relationship for two and a half years to single mom was this progressive descent into a space in which the desire to go out and the opportunity faded.
Now I'm back like cooked crack! (Horrible phrase, but my college girls and I say it all the time) I just feel alive and am enjoying being out with my girls and meeting new people. Even this past Saturday, I met a nice guy from Seattle at a bar. He was too cute and tall and passionate about working with young people....just awesome. We seemed to hit it off, but I didn't pull the number. I should of, but whatever. I wasn't really looking to, but just enjoyed the conversation.
Reflecting on that experience, the experience I had at OSU at the step show a couple weeks back and the conversations I have with guy friends often, I am trying to figure out if how I act is okay. I am not saying I am a smut bucket, but I have a kid, so we know what road I've been down before. My home is a place for me and my child and don't disrespect either one of us by bringing home people, but at some point I may....I just wonder if I am justified in things I do from time to time.
Let the Bible say something and the answer is no, but there needs to be an updated version called "The Bible Part Two: What to Do When You Broke Just About All the Rules" or something! It's like 'where do I go from here?' As my mind is changing, my thought process is evolving to say 'all long as you're happy and not hurting yourself, get it how you live it', but my organized religion of choice doesn't see things that way. One part says God loves me no matter what I do, but the other part says I will get left behind if I keep acting the way I do. But my thought is who buys a car they didn't test drive? Some things just can't be avoided!
So, I don't know. I guess I'm realizing I need to do more research about the things I find important and make decisions in my best interest. I need to find balance in having fun and adhering to the moral code I affirm every Sunday after the Gloria Patri.
One day I'll get it together and it certainly needs to be soon, but I can't rush the process. I just need to make sound decisions and work towards the things I desire and intend to secure. I need to start asking myself the tough questions--what happens after the songs are played out? When the drinks are gone? When he leaves? What will I be standing on. It would seem I need to cultivate the lasting things and let the things that are fleeting, do just that.
This is not the end of this thought. I will come back to it and further explore what's going on with me. I just wanted to get it started....we'll see what happens from here....
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