Playing the Field

Hey Michelle!

Sorry, had to shout out my life twin.  Apparently, according to my mother, her co-worker and I lead similar lives.  If that be true, girl, I am so sorry!  We go through the most!  LOL. Jk.  I really love who I am and all I am experiencing.  I feel like I can handle all that's going on...a lesser woman would have fainted long ago. Hell, me a year ago would have killed myself.  Not really, but at least jumped on a table...I told you all before, I love life too much to leave the Earth prematurely, but am dramatic enough to declare I will end it by jumping off a curb.  If I say table, that's a pretty bad situation!

Anywho...

I haven't be writing lately because my job search is getting more aggressive during my lunch breaks.  And since the internet does not make the Top 20 List of things most important in my budget I don’t write when I am not at work!  One day, one day....Until then, you get to me when I get time. J

This job search has proved quite interesting. I still have a job, so I am not stressing but rather, send a resume here, check a posting every now and then there...so relaxing....More recently, I have run into a few postings that I am quite interested in. I applied and went on interviews...two points for me, yes! Turned out, I couldn't get out of the first interview fast enough--it was just not the opportunity for me.

From there, I didn't stress about finding another opportunity because 1. I still have a job to call my own for the next couple of months and 2. As I was declining a third interview with that place, I was replying to an email about setting up an interview for another place...talk about playing the field!

It was in that moment that I realized I can be choosy and wait for the right opportunity.  I don't have to say yes to the first opportunity that comes up because they think I am a good fit for their company.  I have to think with a clear head and think about whether or not I want to link with one organization or another. It turns out the second opportunity is a much better fit for me in terms on the work, hours, growth plan, workplace atmosphere—all that.  Granted, I have not secured the job yet, but if I was too into the first job, I wouldn't have even noticed the second.

Funny how I find myself in that position in my life often...well, not as often as before---I've grown some--but it happens...

I enjoy being pursued. So sadly, I entertain individuals I shouldn't because they are showing me all kinds of attention. This in turn causes me to hyper focus on this 'relationship' that seems oh, so bomb when in reality it's lacking major components to keep me satisfied and happy.  That's what happens when you jump at what jumps at you.

I am becoming more refined, though....waiting for the right opportunity to come to me before just taking whatever.  Granted, my previous posts may imply I am just talking out the side of my neck because I deal with some jokers, but I can look through all of my posts and not find a single spot when I have said I am trying to really be with any of them.  They have their own space--I know what to do with them! LOL.

Back to the point:  I think it's important to have standards and be selective about who and what you decide to link up with. I don't care if misery loves company.  I checked my calendar and I'm not free for that mess!  I have decided I want to be happy in all areas of my life and if that means seeking out the best job opportunities or waiting for MY Adam to find his rib in me, I will do that so I don't have to settle.  I refuse to look back at my life and say of all I accomplished I could have done so much more if I hadn't stopped one step short of the best experience ever.

That's all I really wanted to say today.  Take some time to figure out what you really want and make decisions to get you closer to those goals and dreams.  You'll love yourself so much more for doing so. Of this, I am certain...

Room(dot)

Leaving Purgatory

I am beginning to realize that I need to transition some people from where they are now to where they need to be.  While things we used to do were fun when we used to do them, every situation can't continuously play itself out the same way forever without being just that...played out.

I say transition because I don't necessarily want to phase a select few out altogether, but just change their current position in my life to be less....complicated? involved?  messy?  I don't know, just not what it is now.

Follow Through Fail.1 (see yesterday's post) followed through yesterday (amazing what happens when you call out to the universe for what you want).  We hung out, had dinner, chilled for a hot minute and then talked for hours about relationships, expectations from the opposite sex, five-year plans, families and some more stuff.  While I will take a compliment and got a new one yesterday (goooooo me!), I liked our conversation so much more than the original intent for us to get together.

Periodically, my friends and I entertain conversations about whether or not a hetero male and female can just be friends. I think it's possible provided you grew up with the person and have always considered them your sibling or they dated one of your friends, so you can't see them 'like that', but transitioning from someone you messed with to just a friend isn't as easy as it sounds. 

This is why the 'it's complicated' button was created on Facebook!  It's like 'I want you close enough when I want you, but when I don't, please go away....wait, wait, wait; not that far!! I still need to be able to see you and have you when I want, if I change my mind.  Oh, and don't date anyone else while I am figuring out what to do with you because even though I don't want you this second, I will in the next minute...'  Yeah, that's some complicated Sugar Honey Ice Tea and the story of my life because though I hate to say it, I am jealous sometimes. I like to have my cake and eat it too, really.

My first and I transitioned to just friends...he's even the Godfather of my only begotten.  I think it was easy for us because we were but sprouts when we first knew each other biblically and as we grew, realized we didn't want each other like that anymore.  He and I currently enjoy the greatest relationship--true blue homies who talk to each other about the people we date is great detail...like Great Lakes detail!  I ran into a girl he messed with for a while one time and couldn't look her in the eye because of all I know about her!!  LOL. He and I fit better as friends.  No jealousy.  No resentment or regret for not pursuing each other.  We had our ran. The race finished and now we are chillin' in our sweats, drinking Gatorade watching the other people run in circles...

I can't do that with everyone, but I want to!  It would be so great!  Granted, I am very aware I need to step out of my feelings to achieve that goal, but so do the people I deal with!  My son's father and I are definitely not there.  He had a girlfriend for two years after I left and I couldn't stomach hearing about her.  Granted, I don't (peep the present tense) like her for 1,435,869 reasons, so that may play a role in why he and I can't transition to being happy for the other.  Oh!  And the fact that he sucks at being a 'here-parent', but whatever.  Why did I bring that up? I'm off the point right now....

Anyway. What I was saying initially is that there are some people in an odd space right now that I need to commit to one place or the other.  Ol' boy from yesterday is lingering between hither and yon (please read Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss...not just for kids, I promise you.)  Like I mentioned before, we chilled yesterday, but the conversation that followed really showed me that we should be friends...friends who can recall and laugh about awesome encounters, but friends only.  He's still caught up on this girl he had plans to marry and I am just selfish...I want too much from people deal with.  It's like I want the perks of a relationship, but don't label it that...I need to be free to fly like a peacock (see 'The Other Guys') when I want.  I can push a 'complicated' button for my own self if it really existed!

So, where I am now is looking forward to seeing this guy again to see if it's possible for us to break out of what we normally do to just be friends.  I am quite the weak person when in the presence of certain individuals, but I need to try.  Most guys I used to deal with faded to black like Jay-Z, so we haven't been able to test the waters of friends.  We were just hot and heavy, then nothing in the next moment.  The few who are still around are lingering between two points like a segment.  We're mad the other made choices that weren't in 'our' best interests to survive or walked away from the other without so much as an explanation, so things are open or closed, but ugly.  I'm still waiting to catch one in the streets to see how things will go!  That sounds like I want to fight him, I really don't.  I just want to see how our conversation, if we can be cordial at all, with go.

Yesterday, though, really showed me there is at least one who is showing shows of being able to handle a new assignment. I hope we make it.  I was pretty pulled together listening to him talk about this girl he wants to be with and some girl he was with recently.  I even cracked a couple jokes about the whole situation...I think that's a tale-tell (<---is that right?) sign to me that we can handle just being friends.  It may be rough at first, but there is no resolve in continuously dealing with someone because they are 'there'.  It's been my experience that that's how unnecessary feelings and attachments develop.  Now, you're mad when you see each other out because 'you thought you were more than just cut buddies' and they are just parading around another person. Yeah, you thought you were more but they didn't get the memo!  That's never fun.   

I can't be broke down about someone who is not willing to be broke down about me at some point. So, how do I fix that?  I work hard to convert lingering people into friends in which the only attached emotion is gratitude that we are adult enough to arrive at our destination safely--STRICTLY PLATONIC FRIENDS (with a past, of course, but not looking to bust that open again unless in light conversation and used as an example only!)

I know it's possible, I just have to commit to the idea and not look back because I am not going there…


Room(dot)

I Smell Smoke Nearing the Bridge

You know, tennis is my favorite sport to play.  I know the terminology to call the match correctly.  I have quick feet to cover the court.  I am all for colorful skirts and cute tops.  I rally well with an opponent.  I have a good serve.  The sport just works for me!  I would be a lot better though, if I followed through on my forehand and backhand shots....yes, FOLLOW THROUGH is critical to winning points...until you are at the net and volley--no follow through needed.  But you can't volley an entire match, some shots go deeper than that.

Point of today:  effing follow through! Goodness gracious!  I am over it.  These cats out here wanna use all nine lives at once messin' with me!!!  I promise you I am not angry if my words sound that way, but I am sincerely not a fan of people who do not follow through.  (See 'Run Through the Tape for extra support of this claim). 

So, I went out on Saturday and cannot recall most of my evening.  I do know that me and one of my friends were supposed to get up (hang out, spend time together, chill -- don't want to lose you with my vocabulary) and we didn't because I was too twisted (intoxicated) to leave were I was.  Cool!  No problem. 

I saw him the next day and apologized.  We laughed about it and I told him the offer still stood, I wanted to get up. We didn't, but HE hit me the next day asking what time I got off work and was tryna chill.  Well, alright (*Lutha voice--you know that song about the party)!  We made tentative plans---you meet me at my house since you work near it, stay there until I get back from my meeting, then we can have dinner and kick it.......................WHY TWO DAYS LATER HAVE I NOT HEARD FROM HIM when I told him I would hit him (reach out to his cellular device) when I got home.  Whacktastic!  This is a great example of a missed point do to your lack of follow through! Coulda' shot me a message saying something came up, but no, that's too responsible!

Let me give you a second example....I have another friend (told y'all yesterday I'm in season like Summer Fruit) that I've made mention to before.  He's the one that is my friend, but not really because don't really hang often and calls me a square because I'm not raspy (See A to Z).  Well, he wanted to hang out too and when we were Facebookin' yesterday, we kind of made plans for him to come chill at the crib.  Granted, if Follow Through Fail #1 hadn't done what his name implies, I wouldn't be entertaining the second guy, but hey! FTF Version 1 missed his time slot, so whatever!

Anyway.  Second guy's acting like he's down, so I told him I would hit him after my meeting (yes, I attend a lot of meetings) and when I got home, I text if I should be expecting him, he texts back: 'Not sure yet'....If my mother didn't read this, I would said 'The F***?!" (because I say that more often than I should), but since she may catch this one, I will say: my response to his text was snuggling up to my son in his bed (I was reading to him, but was going to get it to clean if this joker said he was coming over) and going to sleep.

When I woke up at midnight (because I do that sometimes), I checked my phone---no new messages--got out of my child's bed and crawled into mine.  This morning, there were no new messages (from him... because I had one from someone else! Told y'all...).  What a jerk!  Again, lack of follow through!

So, where does that leave me?  Oh, I'm good!  Why?  Because when they feel like it, they will hit me up and I will blog about it in the days to follow our exchanges, if I decide to still allow them the pleasure of my company.  I am just peeved because I don't think I am asking too much at the request of a quick text quick text to say 'say, plans changed lets cancel' <---yes, it's all in lowercase and lacking punctuation because this is real life! This is how these people text! LOL.

Don't get it twisted, though I will engage in activities occasionally that to the observer may look like I am living below my purpose, I still appreciate the respect that goes along with conversation...I am not just any girl and they know that...they are in special positions.  They know I am a different breed.  But what's about to happen is they aren't going to have the opportunity to hang out with me outside of social functions because won't you won't do is abuse the privilege of the time I give you.  Act like you know, homie!

Okay, enough of that.  Just follow through...with all you intend to do and if for some reason you can't, let those you've committed to know, so they can make alternative arrangements. The last thing you want to do is burn bridges and though my friends have not burned their bridges yet, but are pretty damn close....

I don't do lack of follow through....

Room(dot)

Pausing the Pursuit

Been gone for a minute, now I'm back at the jump-off....

Hope everyone has been doing well...I'm good like T-Payne in the background of Kanye West's 'Good Life' video! I have been doing the most and enjoying so much of it (can't say all, but a whole heck of a lot!)

It truly is amazing what can happen when you decide you pause your pursuit of happiness to actually BE HAPPY!

I typically go out of season this time of year (ain't nobody tryna be hugged up with a thick girl, that's too much body heat with the sun rays beamin'), but since we're having a cooler weather pattern lately, I am still in the game like Derek Fisher!  Granted, that's probably not a good parallel because he's old and awkward (look at his eyes during interviews), so he needs to retire, but you feel me, doe.  <--- had to say 'doe', my new friend says it and cracks me up every time.

Anyway!  Let me get to what I really want to say: I blogged on Mother's Day about 'this being the life'---family that adores me, child that is so lost without me, good friends and getting gifts...I am back there again...I am having the best time experiencing life again.

In the past month, I think I have been out 'after hours' more often than I was all of last year, I swear.  I am making new guy friends every time I leave the house...okay, serious exageration, but over four weekends, I have give my number out three times and chatted it up at the bar with a sexy little number I should have bagged.  (That is going to haunt me until I recall enough information about him from our conversation to Facebook stalk him).

I'm walking in this newness that makes me smile. I know my body hasn't changed.  My hair is still a hot mess---granted it's brushed and in place, but not cute. My skirts aren't any shorter or tighter (see first point for explanation), so it's not my clothes....I am just different- I feel it...more confident, I guess. My Line Sister told me my positive energy is radiating from me and attracts people to me.  Maybe that's what it is.

It's crazy because yesterday, I almost had a mini-breakdown.  I think I shared some of this a fell days ago, but things were kind of coming to a head yesterday.  I feel I am losing my religion in the midst of my newfound awesomeness.  I don't want to, but I really just feel I have to re-evaluate what about my religion I want. I know I want God and don't question my love for Him and His for me, but I just don't understand certain restrictions and limitations taught to me growing up.  Since I have started to reshape my mind, my understanding of how to access God has started to change and I think it's greatly connected to how much fun I am having. I have never been an all of nothing person---I leave room for co-mingling in an attempt to satify my interests, I guess.

I don't know know what else to say about all that, but I do know that I am smiling often and things that used to bother me don't.  Not because I'm texting 'friends' all day and drinking on the weekends, but because my state of mind has shifted to what's right instead of what's wrong. 

I encourage you all to try it!  Just slow do and enjoy the goodness that is happening to you.  I guarantee
what's bad won't take over, but your sunshining mind will radiate and bring more goodness to you.

It's pretty cool. :-)

Room(dot)

A to Z

I consider it a serious offense when people don't follow simple directions.  Granted, I am notorious for not following directions when it comes to preparing food, but that is not the focus of the moment.  I just don't understand why people don't think before doing things that affect more people than they care to realize.

I come to work today and have an email requestion we all send our birthday and contact info to a specific person so after our job is over, we can all keep in touch, if we want.  The person who sent the mass email said she was going to compile all information and send out a master list later.  Why I had six emails to follow hers with birthdays and contact info, I don't know. Oh, maybe it's because you failed to read the part about her sending out a master list!

My response:  I sent an email to everyone on the list reminding them that the girl said she was going to make a master list and if they wanted to be a part of it to email her directly....from that, I got emails apologizing and asking me if I was having a rough day.  What the hell?!  I can't just call out what the instructions were? Why I gotta be in a bad mood?

I just love how other people perceive me.  Just because I don't get an attitude every eight seconds, everyone thinks I am just a super nice person without issue ever.  Just because I don't hold weight for my dude, go out every night or smoke until my eyes chink like an Anime character, I'm a square.  What in the world?! I can't just be set off by random things like normal people?  I can't just not want to have anything to do with drugs or excessive partying?

Does it really have to be all or nothing?

My view is that it doesn't.  I can be deemed just a normal functioning person with pet peeves and I can chill hard and just not be raspy with mine. 

This guy I entertain (can't say talk to because we aren't talking and can't say kick it with because we don't really chill ever, but we entertain each other via text with the intent to hang out and enjoy overly friendly conversation when we're twisted) calls me a square and it pisses me off.  Most people let stuff roll off their back citing 'if it's not true, don't get offended', but it's annoying! I am not going to prove to you I'm more 'bout it than a No Limit Solider, there is no reason for all that!  He just needs to give it up because it's unnecessary.

The way I feel is this, just because you don't see something as a part of my nature every day, doesn't mean it's not there. I have a lot of layers to me-- from ass to Zaire's mother.  Don't trip if you get the one you weren't expecting at any given moment!

#thatisall

Room(dot)

Finding Moral Balance

My birthday is in two month yesterday.  I haven't started back working out and find a thousand excuses as to why, but am seeing my body change because of my habits, which is cool. I can say for sure I am thinking better, which is being projected outward into the universe.  I know this because "I am sailing peacefully over a troubled sea" as my grandfather says.  Things are better.  Situations still arise that cause me to hesitate when I step, but I still move forward because it just makes sense and I know the best is yet to come.

In all that's changing in my life, I have something weighing on my mind that I need to work through--I think my understanding of morals, religion and God is changing.  My friend Kita has a whole blog dedicated to her move from Christianity to where ever she is now.  It's really cool. She talks about spiritsand higher beings, but isn't glued to the idea that Jesus is the way, truth and life.  I am not saying I am renouncing my school of thought because of what my friend says makes so much since, but I have noticed through 'my challenge' I am thinking differently about a lot of stuff.

Somehow, I have a lot more time to go out with my girls.  Well, maybe my family is just surrendering to the inevitable and saying 'yes' to keeping my son on weekends for me to get out and be active in the 5-0-3. LOL.  I've mentioned some of my adventures in my blog and overall am discovering the joys of being young and single again.  I'm not saying I was this sheltered person and never went out before, but going from being single and ready to mingle in college to a committed relationship for two and a half years to single mom was this progressive descent into a space in which the desire to go out and the opportunity faded.

Now I'm back like cooked crack! (Horrible phrase, but my college girls and I say it all the time) I just feel alive and am enjoying being out with my girls and meeting new people.  Even this past Saturday, I met a nice guy from Seattle at a bar.  He was too cute and tall and passionate about working with young people....just awesome.  We seemed to hit it off, but I didn't pull the number.  I should of, but whatever.  I wasn't really looking to, but just enjoyed the conversation. 

Reflecting on that experience, the experience I had at OSU at the step show a couple weeks back and the conversations I have with guy friends often, I am trying to figure out if how I act is okay. I am not saying I am a smut bucket, but I have a kid, so we know what road I've been down before.  My home is a place for me and my child and don't disrespect either one of us by bringing home people, but at some point I may....I just wonder if I am justified in things I do from time to time.

Let the Bible say something and the answer is no, but there needs to be an updated version called "The Bible Part Two: What to Do When You Broke Just About All the Rules" or something! It's like 'where do I go from here?'  As my mind is changing, my thought process is evolving to say 'all long as you're happy and not hurting yourself, get it how you live it', but my organized religion of choice doesn't see things that way.  One part says God loves me no matter what I do, but the other part says I will get left behind if I keep acting the way I do.  But my thought is who buys a car they didn't test drive?  Some things just can't be avoided!

So, I don't know. I guess I'm realizing I need to do more research about the things I find important and make decisions in my best interest.  I need to find balance in having fun and adhering to the moral code I affirm every Sunday after the Gloria Patri.

One day I'll get it together and it certainly needs to be soon, but I can't rush the process.  I just need to make sound decisions and work towards the things I desire and intend to secure. I need to start asking myself the tough questions--what happens after the songs are played out? When the drinks are gone?  When he leaves?  What will I be standing on.  It would seem I need to cultivate the lasting things and let the things that are fleeting, do just that.

This is not the end of this thought.  I will come back to it and further explore what's going on with me.  I just wanted to get it started....we'll see what happens from here....

Room(dot)

Run Through the Tape

I posted 'I Think I Can?' yesterday moments before I walked into a meeting with my Senior Director informing my entire department we are being laid off in the next six weeks.  I find it ironic that the confidence I was pulling on in my post yesterday was stemmed from something that was just snatched away from me.  Yet in still, I press...I am okay and will pull strength from a deeper place.  Just as India.Arie is not her hair, I am not my job.

When the meeting was over and everyone walked back to their desk, they started chillin'! Like maxin' and relaxin'---long breaks, walks to clear their minds and not working.  I must admit, I just on my Gmail account immediately and sent my resume in a blast to all my sorors, so they have my info handy in the event something comes up they can refer me, but that took all of nine seconds.

From there, I was back to work.  Some of my co-workers were like 'why does it matter?  They are letting us go anyway.'  Um, did you black out at the meeting?!  Anytime 'ing' is a part of a word that means you are in the process of, but not completed.  Translation: YOU ARE STILL EMPLOYED AND HAVE WORK TO ACCOMPLISH.

Don't slack off now because the end result is not what you want. Give you best to the end---RUN THROUGH THE TAPE!

Back in the day, I used to be on the hottest track team in the Portland Metropolitan Area. We started as North East Track Club, then got major and were PMTC--Portland Metropolian Track Club.  We were fire!!! We had amazing athletes dedicated to excelling at their individual crafts.  I did field events, but could hear the coaches telling the runners 'from through the tape.'  For those who want to act clueless right now, the tape is the actually tape, rope, banner, Red Rover style human chain, or whatever else was used as the finish line. 

You can be running and count seven people in front of you (meaning you are dead last) and you had better not slow down and walk across the finish line---you run through it!

That was my mindset yesterday....I must run through the tape.  This is a very uncomfortable position to be in--knowing the last day I will have a job here--but didn't I just mention yesterday about stepping out of my comfort zone to do what I truly desire to do?  Yeah, crazy how you ask for stuff and the universe gives it to you that quickly, huh?

I am not afraid.  I am not angry.  I didn't think I was ready either to be honest, but maybe I am.  Maybe I was missing the little hints before to try something different, so I needed this jolt to get myself active and really moving.

My advice to everyone today is while what you are experiencing may not be what you intended, trust there is a reason.  Don't get bitter.  Don't get angry.  Finish strong and feel a sense of pride that you tried your hardest and did your best.

Run through the tape....

Room(dot)

I Think I Can?

Even though I understand my thoughts have tremendous weight, I still struggle with the idea I am not enough.  I could spend a lot of time explaining how this thought applies in relationships, but I am thinking about my career right now and where I want no, desire/intend (thanks Kita) to be.

I can hear Trey singing 'I just wanna be...I just wanna be successful' faintly in my head.  I really do, but I am afraid that I will get in a position in which I can't handle the workload and lose my job.  Is that crazy thinking?  Yeah, I would have to agree with myself in that, but the thought is still there...

It terrifies me that I will have to prove what's on my resume. I re-write it every time I apply for a new job to speak directly to what the position entails and it sounds really good!  The jargon is parellel, but the idea I will have to do what I say I can do makes me nervous.  These thoughts drive me crazy and if I may diagnose myself, my progress in life is impeded by my thought process.  Not cool!  

Somehow, I have to find a way to believe in myself and my abilities.  I never say I 'got' my degree in Journalism and Communication with a concentration in advertising and psychology; I say I EARNED it.  I put in the hours in the library, dorm, car, cash wrap, office, desk and where ever else I studied to obtain passing grades to be handed a degree by a man who said it was not his concern whether or not I graduate.  Oh, God bless the Dean of the Scripps Howard School of Journalism and Communication where ever he is these days...I need to hold that inside.

I haven't survived on my job for almost two years only because I smile a lot and am friendly most days.  (Haha at most days!)  Granted, service with a smile is the key to life, but I do quality work.  I am efficient.  I have EARNED the right to be here. I too need to keep that inside.

All of this is good and well.  I'm good until my circumstance is on the verge of changing.  And it's not like someone or something is prompting me to change against my will.  I just feel I am ready to step outside of what is familiar and apply for positions that truly speak to what I plan to do with my life.  Now that I want to leave this cushy place, this feeling is coming to me that negates everything I just said. 

I am trying to remember my challenge to reprogram my mind and know I am valuable, but today I find myself  struggling like a fish out of water.  Awww, R.I.P to all five fish (and aquatic frog) I had that died last and this week.  Lol.  It's not funny, but I don't know why I couldn't keep them alive.  I can raise a kid, but not a guppy...I don't know what that says about me! 

Back to the matter at hand, though....I can see myself working hard to prove I've earned my place.  I can see myself excelling in the corporate climate.  I can see myself buying what I want, when I want and not having to choose between gas and more groceries. In order for me to obtain all I see, I have to step out on faith and hold onto the confidence I have in a comfortable place.

Gosh, I really appreciate that I have this blog!  It gives me a place to work through my thoughts.  The anxiety I had moments ago as I began writing to the peace I have know feels so good.  I can't say the anxiety won't return, but I guess I just needs to take a minute to encourage myself right quick! 

I CAN DO THIS...I CAN DO THAT...I CAN DO WHATEVER I CHOOSE TO BECAUSE 'IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME.'

While I know some may not support that notion phrased like that because you should ask for something, believe it's yours and leave it alone, the way my mind works, it's all the same to me.  The choice I am making is to ask myself to reach inside for confidence (ask), own that I got this (believe) and walk in that (leave it alone). I think that'll work!

Please continue to pray for me that my mind gets with the program that I'm awesome!

Room(dot)

Case of the Jack in the Box

I would have to say I have never been a fan of Jack in the Boxes...the toy.  I sweat the restaurant...I could do that more than once a day, but because I would like to continue living and not die of a heart attack, I will limit my drive thru visits to about two monthly!

But back to the matter at hand....Jack in the freakin' box.  You have your little tune--the beat never changes....you to pop up when you want, but I can't force you to appear when I want (have you tried to open one?  Not easy). I have to go through the motions and wait for you to come out when you feel like it and when you do, your scary ass wanna smile and look like everything is fun and fine.  Um, no thanks. 

That is the topic of today, ladies and gentlemen:  Jack in the box ex's....

So, in a post or seven, I've made reference to a couple choice men in my life that I've loved and lost.  One--my child's father could be deemed a Jack in the Box, but I prefer yo-yo.  I want to keep him close, but he needs to be out of reach sometimes.  We just can't get it right and I need to put him down for a while, then try again later.  LOL.

The Jack in the box is the other guy....the one who had the nerve to tell me 'what goes around comes around' when he had a kid, but didn't tell me.  Wait a minute you son of a biscuit eater,  when I did that to you, we hadn't been talking for a few months and I wasn't telling you I loved you!  When you did it to me, we were talking about marriage just about every day and you had me convinced someone was about to get a U-Haul because either you or I was moving before the end of the year!  Yeah, he's the clown in the box.

This joker is so screwy! He goes away for some time--like no communication at all--then comes back when he feels like it to say the sweetest things like we haven't talked in three hours, not three months! What the hell?  How you gon' bounce, then fall back into the Gap like it's open 24/7?! Yeah, no.  Of all the lives I'm about, that's not one.

Let me tell y'all something:  I am not the one to be played with.  If he thinks that, he must be mistaken.  I don't think it's fair that he thinks he can have me back anytime he wants because something else he was doing isn't working out the way he wants it to.  I bring all this up because he had the nerve to hit me yesterday and say "Hey baby.  I'm thinking of you like always.  How's my growing boy?"  STOP THE BUS!  YOUR SON?  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT????!!!! I was floored.  He's so freakin' funny. 

All these little tests being popped by the universe are helping me to respond to him better and not buckle at the knees every time I hear from him, but I am still working something out because if I was good to go, I wouldn't be so pissed thinking about how he treats me.

While I don't feel broken anymore that things didn't work out between us, I feel some type of way because I don't think he gets I can't do him right now.  I think I'm still hurting at the fact he moved on without me, but is now trying to come back for me. It's just weird and complicated.  I can say I am mature enough to see and say I'm not ready to deal with him--similar to a Jack in the Box....I can try to prepare for it's second coming, but it's still scary. 

So, as much as I don't want to be stuck, I honestly feel I don't know what to do.  I don't want to hurt his feelings and cuss him out for hitting me up because I do like hearing from him, but I can't just act like he didn't just have a kid for the sake of having a kid, but still try to say I have his heart (his words, not mine.)

Ugh!  Not cool, man...not cool. 

I think I may be gearing up for a long night on the phone with my girls...they always know what to do.... :-)


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Mi Familia

I'm off my game.  I really need to stop with the excuses and make this happen.  The challenge is to think better, live better and write more.  I am thinking better.  I am living better. I am not writing more, though.  Yay for the first two....gotta work on the last one. :-)

With that, I will share with you a little nugget from my day today.

My older sister, my son and I were the only ones at church this morning from our immediate family.  We were invited by our Great Aunt to go to brunch with the fam.  Uh, heck yeah!

So, we met all of our cousins at a restaurant and enjoyed a great time.  I was full in more ways than one.  Great fellowship and great food--can't go wrong with that.  Even my cousin I wrote about previously who has the baby (see Reflective Surfaces) was there. That was a real treat.

My cousins' ages range from 16 to 22.  They are hilarious.  We talked about college, zombies, jobs and a whole bunch of other stuff.  I really appreciated their company.  It seems that although we are moving in a thousand different directions, we still have common ground.  I love that.

As we continue to grow as individuals, my prayer is that we continue to maintain common interests to allow us to enjoy each other's company.  We will always be family, but don't have to be friends.  I really want us to be.  But not just them, the other few that couldn't make it also.  Within our family there are many gifts and talents.  I think if we remain connected, we will find strength in each other, as many families do.

I don't have much to say today, but just wanted it noted that I heart my family.

Maybe tomorrow I will have some incredible epiphany that causes me to write lots and lots, but not today.  Today I just want to revel in having great people in my life. :-)

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