It Didn't Work (Drinking Poison Part 2)

This can be considered a follow up to 'Drinking Poison', I guess.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot fix all I put my hands to....sometimes, even with the best intent, the results I want allude me.  Every apology I make with not be accepted.  Every smile I give will not be returned.  Every tear I cry won't be dried by the person who made me shed a tear.  It's just the way things work.

I tried and it didn't work.  I am not shrugging my shoulders like I don't care, because I sincerely do, but some things cannot be undone.  Gorilla Glue bonds an awful lot (trust, I glued a headband in my hair...don't ask), but it won't repair feelings and hearts.

The last time I had a serious falling out with someone I cared about a lot was almost two years ago.  We had been rocky for a little bit, but we'd talked and ironed things out.  Things were never the same as before, but we were still into each other.  One day, out of the blue, he text a whole bunch of mess.  Details are unnecessary, but he went Super Bad on me like Jonah Hill and I didn't get a chance to defend myself.  The last thing I said to him was 'When you are ready to converse with me like an adult, hit me.  I don't want our friendship to end, but at least we can end it respectfully.'  He never wrote back.  We haven't talked since.

I was gravely hurt. When I turned to one of my best friends for comfort, she said, "It's always sad when the people you know become the people you knew...' Isn't that the truth?

Here I stand in the same place at back when my girl and I had that conversation...I reached out to apologize and state my position.  She responded and stated hers...Needless to say, we're not hanging out anytime soon. I don't think there's anything else to be said.  Things fall apart sometimes and don't come back together.

I love the innocence of children.  One hurts the other, intentionally or unintentionally, both run to the adult.  The adult makes each apologize and they run away...together.  It's almost like they have short term memory loss. Their brains can't convert the offense to long term memory, so they just keep it moving and enjoy the company of each other.

I so wish I could return to that time--when pain inflicted can be kissed away and saying 'sorry' was enough.  Maybe in some situations it is, but not here and I have to be okay with that. It's not going to happen overnight, but I will at some point be okay without this person in my life.  Do I want her?  Yes.  But I have to take ownership of what I did to split us a part and take the lesson.

What happened between her and I wasn't some one-time thing, but many occurrences that put us in the predicament we are in now.  What I gather from this so that it never happens again is that my words are lethal and though I may dismiss them as quickly as I say them, others can hold onto them.  They have the ability to accept of reject them, but they will always know I am capable of such atrocities and have to decide to dismiss those words in the moment or use them to shape their perception of my character.

Bottom line:  I hurt people and they don't have to take me back when I do.  I need to be okay with that result or make better choices moving forward so I don't have to lose another friend. Because of how this is effecting me, I plan to choose option two...

Room(dot)