Living in Silence

I used to be afraid of the moments when everything around me was quiet.  Granted, I am sure most people, especially busy moms would enjoy the times of peace and quiet, but I couldn't deal with it.  When all of the outside noise stopped, my thoughts would run around like Bebe's Kids and wreck everything!

I could have a great day--be all happy and e'erything (yeah, I said it!) and as soon as friends left my presence, I would sink into a depressing state while listening to my thoughts say stuff like 'that was nice, but you know if you were still in Virgina, you could live like this all the time...'  'Are you happy today? Awesome.  if you decided to make better choices Senior Year, you'd probably be married and happy with a man who worshipped you....'  Really, mind?  You just gon' monsoon on my parade, though?!

Living like that isn't fun.  I remember as recently two, three months ago, I would wake up crying, go to sleep crying and cry between projects because my mind was too idle and my thoughts were escaping to do damage.

I would have song lyrics posted around my apartment and rock out to 'So What' by Pink and 'Be O.K.' by Chrisette Michelle.  I had to dance and sing to keep my mind busy and realize the pain I was feeling from failed relationships would go away at some point. Until then, I would confuse them by acting happy and singing loudly.

Almost overnight, I woke up one day and took down the songs.  I replaced the lyrics with lines from 'Eat, Pray, Love' and I enjoyed the positive affirmations I was reading daily, but still didn't believe them.  It was very easy to regress because seeing the quotes reminded me of why I needed to put them up in the first place---still not helping!  Blast!

Then today happened...I woke up.  My little honey was sleeping soundly in my bed (don't know why good sleep alludes him in his room, but whatever).  The sun was shining and the world around me was so quiet.  It was beautiful.  I showered, dressed, had breakfast.  Still no noise. My mind was silent.  It has no bad thoughts for me.  I actually had to conjure up an ugly thought and that was too much effort, so I left my mind at peace.

I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to enjoy silence again--to be in a place where I am not constantly pained by the memories of what was and didn't work out.  One day I may share all that I am referring to, but not today.  Today, I just want to revel in the fact that is is possible to recondition your mind--not just in theory, but in actuality. 

Ultimately, I want to hear the positive thoughts my mind has for me, but we aren't there yet...I can see that taking a little more time. But waking up to silence and not being afraid is a good start and I'll take it.


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